Thursday, June 13, 2013

Monitored--Days 1-4

I thought I'd add some humor to having this heart monitor on.  At first, it wasn't funny.  I cried--a lot.  Mostly to my mom, DD. Let's just call her DD. I tried to be civilized and keep saying mom but anyone who knows us knows we call her DD, and she likes it that way.  She doesn't even want to be called nanny or mom-mom by her future grandchildren, she wants to be called DD.

Wow, what didn't I cry about? I am not even sure exactly why I cried. One time it was because it was too big and I couldn't hide it, another time because my roommate (Chad, yes I live with a dude, no it's not weird for us) said "wow" and BAM waterworks started.

So, it's important I make this funny then.  Let me give me a run down of the first 4 days to make you laugh or cry with me--whichever emotion you chose.

Sunday Day 1 (insert Law and Order SVU music here)
The monitor went on at 8pm--and 4am the transmitter on the charger started going off. LIKE CRAZY.  In my sleep I thought it was the fire alarm and anyone who knows me knows I have OCD and constantly believe the house may burn down.  Even if I blow out the candles before going to bed I have to get up and check that I actually did blow out the candles probably 12 times.

Have you even been driving and in your own world and all of a sudden an ambulance is coming up behind you 90 miles an hour siren blaring.  That's what this was like.  An ambulance with it's siren's blaring--but in my bedroom.  It is the most annoying noise you can imagine.  Well, there went sleep for the night.

Monday Day 2
Since I am an itinerant vision specialist I travel all day long.  One of my little cherubs is in Elementary School and totally blind, but also independent.  She was taking way too long in the bathroom and was missing something in class so I walked out of the classroom and down the hallway.  Halfway down I hear this loud beeping noise and again what do I think--fire alarm?  Side note, I am 100% sure I have never been in a fire, but I am terrified of the possibility of it.   Nope, it was the monitor under my shirt. I forgot the transmitter and the monitor can't be more than 40 yards away from the monitor.  I had to run back and get it--and by run I mean casually walk and keep hitting my chest to make the noise stop momentarily.  Another side note--who the hell measures in yards anyway? Tell me 40 feet, I can probably figure that out.  40 yards? No. I only know what a yard stick looks like but not really sure what a yard is.
So Monday night, it gets better have no fear....I go to WOD.  It's cleans and I do one and what comes out of my shirt and hits me right smack in the face---my monitor from under my shirt.  I drop the weight and am like what the hell was that?  No worries, just something which came flying out of my cleavage and smacked me in the face.

Tuesday Day 3
 I keep forgetting the transmitter when I go places. So in my office I am going to venture to say the bathroom is greater than 40 yards away.  So I'm in the potty and all of sudden BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP from under my shirt.   Someone else in the bathroom, rather understandably startled, asked "WHAT WAS THAT?!?" My response was "my heart calling me back to the mother ship".

Tuesday mid-work day the transmitter starts doing that ambulance thing again.  LOUD. It wouldn't stop.  Look at the screen and it says dead battery.  I haven't touched this piece all day..HOW DID IT DIE?  Well, I had no charger with me at work. Surely no one at the monitoring center was concerned about me not transmitting my heartbeat to them because still no one has called to see if I'm alive. Which, I am alive...duh.   I am sure they are going to add another day to the sentence for that.  Unless I can convenience them I took a two hour shower and that's why it was off.  Which, I have done many a hangover-ago in college.

Tuesday night I go WOD again. Somehow, I get my hands all caught up in the cords during pushups and rip two leads off.    THOSE BAD BOYS ARE LIKE SUCTION CUPS ON AN OCTOPUS.  Not only did the lead thingers come off, but my skin went with it.  I think I have sensitive skin.  It's because I'm delicate flower--yeah right. Or maybe my skin just don't work with the adhesive they use.  Look, I aint kidding---
I have two of them. One on each side. Looks like someone burned me with a cigar--once on each side for good measure.   Also, did I mention DD is a nurse? So you know she's on top of everything health wise with me.  She was watching the instructional videos on how to wear the monitor before I even knew the website name.  She informed you are supposed to remove the suction cups while in the shower--not just take them off dry or they will tear your skin.  Opps.  OCD comes with ADD so my attention span is limited.

So for anyone who saw me holding my chest during the WOD that night I am sorry if I scared you.  I was holding the lead and my skin on---I wasn't in pain. All wodders out there know you can't answer questions while wodding!

Wednesday Day 4
During the morning WOD I saw my buddy ol' pal Bob.  He informs me that I am lucky there is a nurse in the class, Rachel, because he has only done CPR twice and once was not successful.  I asked what not successful meant to which he responded it didn't work on one of the people.  I am going to venture to say this person is deceased, as CPR is a life saving measure, and it not working equals death.  He's so silly..and possibly crazy.

Also, guess who went all sirens and whistles again at 6:30am? You guessed it,  the transmitter.  Everyone was looking at me. It said "LEAD DISCONNECTED?"  I was checking--WHAT? WHERE? I CHECKED ALL THREE!!! After 5 minutes of it beeping and me hitting the silence button I realized that it meant one of the cord do-hickies wasn't plugged in.  Gesh.

Wednesday night, this is when SHIT GOT REAL. 10:01pm, trying to sleep---SIRENS SIRENS SIRENS.  I get up check the transmitter-- LEAD DISCONNECTED. So, I check every lead, push them in,  and Sirens stop.  Lay down--SIRENS SIRENS SIRENS LEAD DISCONNECTED. Get up, turn the transmitter off, turn the monitor off, unplug and re-plug leads, turn back on. SIRENS SIRENS SIRENS LEADS DISCONNECTED. Get up, push leads in,  stops. Lay down, move left arm, SIRENS SIRENS SIRENS.   FOR THE LOVE OF SWEET JESUS!!! Begin to beat transmitter with fist, scream at it,  (Chad didn't wake up? means if we are ever getting robbed I'm on my own), consider throwing it but know I can't afford to replace it. Lay down, move right leg or sneeze--SIRENS SIRENS SIRENS.  Unplug, rip off suction cups, skin goes with them, replug new ones, on and off on and off------Begin to text DD at 10:40pm screaming.

Thursday--alarm goes off at 4:55am....STAY TUNED FOR DAYS 5-8

I know I have been really funny about it until now, but as you can say by day 4 my patience is wearing and my normal jovial behavior is missing from my attitude.  The first person Thursday who asks me what's under my shirt is going to get an earful....