Monday, May 19, 2014

BBQ Pot Roast Tacos with Cilantro

     I love tacos.  All kinds of tacos.  When I came up with this little genius recipe,  the sky opened up and a single ray of sunshine beamed right on my genius head.    

     So,  let's get real.  I prep my meals for the week mostly on Sunday or Monday night, depending on my sched (what a dumb abrev).  I've found if I try to eat the same exact thing I will find every excuse to not eat it on the third day.  I also have a weird thing with old food.  I cannot eat something that has been in the fridge for 3 days.  Skeeves me.  However, if you put said 3 day food in a taco,  I'll eat it faster then you can put it on the plate.  I actually don't even need a plate to eat a taco.  I'd eat it from a paper towel,  napkin,  someone else's hand...etc.

     With that being said,  the BBQ Pot Roast Taco was born.  I made pot roast with sweet potatoes for the week,  but I took some of the meat out and shredded it.  I put it in a separate container in the fridge.    I had no idea what my plan was for this meat yet,  but on Friday in desperation for a meal I came up with it.   You can purchase pre-made pot roast at the super market, or you can find a recipe and make it in the crock pot like I did.  Hope you enjoy.

Ps...I find everything becomes amazing with Cilantro.

BBQ Pot Roast Tacos with Cilantro
Prep Time: 5 minutes
Cook Time:  7 minutes
Serves: 1 (because I am single and alone, with no cats)

3 ounces cooked pot roast, shreeded
2 tortillas of choice,  I used corn
1/4 cup of shredded cheese of choice
3 tbsp Fresh Cilantro, divided
1/2 cup fresh leaf spinach
2 tbsp BBQ sauce of choice
Spray cooking oil of choice

1.  Heat a pan over high heat with a quick spray of your spray oil.
2.  While pan is heating,  place 3 ounces of pot roast in the microwave with 2 tbsp of BBQ sauce of choice mixed in.  Microwave for about 2 minutes,  if your pot roast is cold. 
3.  Once the pan is hot place 2 tortillas of choice in pan to brown.  Spray another quick spray of the cooking oil on the top of the tortillas.
4.  Watch the tortillas closely so they don't burn, and cook on each side about 1 1/2-2 minutes.
5. Once pot roast is microwaved and feels warm mix cheese in with pot roast.
6.  Once tortillas are browned place on a plate.  Top with some of the spinach,  and some of the pot roast.
7. Garnish with cilantro.
8.  Eat like an animal standing up leaning over the counter (this is what I did anyway).


Thursday, May 15, 2014

Don't be a Food Asshole

This morning I read an article called Don't be a Crossfit Ahole and it got me thinking.  I pondered all the food assholes I know.  I thought I'd point out to you some of the food assholie-ness happening in America today.

1. The "That's not Paleo" Asshole

        I'm well aware of what is and what is not paleo.  I eat paleo pretty often but strictly,  no.  I enjoy cheese and milk way too much to be strict.  I also enjoy Pizza and Beer on occasion.  Neither of which are Paleo.  I am also aware that neither of these foods are paleo.  If you,  who do not eat Paleo,  remind me one more time we are gonna have some problems ( Pronounced like a rapper, PRAB-LEMS).  Knuck if you Buck.

2.  The "Carbs are bad for you" Asshole

     I once lived in this realm of distant reality, I must admit.  During this time period,  high school/college,  I was pretty hungry.   And still not even really "skinny" by America's standards.   I now enjoy rice,  sweet potatoes,  rice pasta, the occasional wheat pasta, etc.    On Sunday I can throw down too on some Ravioli's.  Please,  don't arrest me for it.  Don't send the carb police after me to spew their gluten intolerance message of hate.

As a matter of fact, I'm eating carbs as I write this.  YUM.   Are you thinking, what's that little meat wod to the right of the potato?  It's a Mexican turkey meat loaf with salsa on top.

    Did you know that vegetables also have carbs?  Those carbs aren't bad for you.  Refined carbs are bad for you---ie.  dunkin donuts.  Who even eats donuts anymore,  besides my dad.  

3. The "Gluten is bad for you" Asshole

      Do you need a ladder to get off that cross martyr?  Quit preaching.

      I agree,  Gluten is bad for people who have Ciliac's disease.  I do not have an intolerance to gluten.  I frequently eat gluten free foods,  but I don't preach about the adverse side effects of gluten---while shoving my face with raviolis on Sunday.

Jimmy Kimmel's What is Gluten Street Question

4. The "I only eat organic" Asshole

    I am pretty shittin sure (on a scale of 1-10,  shittin is the most sure you can be) that Oreo you just ate was not organic.  This goes right along with the "organic tastes better" and "locally grown tastes better" asshole.  Pesticides have no taste.   Neither does MSG.  So when the menu says "NO MSG" how would you know?  Same with organic.  Yeah yeah I know there are people who certify food organic.  I'm not dumb.  But there also people who approved the sale of Fen Phen and "the Birth Control Patch".   Look what happened there.

5. The "I know everything" Asshole

   Really,  you know EVERYTHING?  Every single thing there is to know about food?  Even the cows name where your milk came from you say?  Betsey?  Poor cow probably hates you pulling on her utters like that.   I am sure she's a sweet cow though.

     You may know a good amount,  but everyone is different.  Not everyone eats the same way or works out the same way.  Your way is not better than mine and mine is not better than yours.  So again,  keep the gluten and carb police away from me.  I believe in equal opportunity and I do not discriminate against any food group.

6.  The "I would never eat that" Asshole

     Good,  I wasn't offering it to you.  I am eating it.  We both can't be eating it because it was made to be eaten by one person.  There is only enough food for one person.

     Maybe you don't like it,  but if I am eating it,  maybe I do.    Someone recently asked me why I was eating rice at 10am.  I'm hungry?  What other answer is there.  I also really love answering questions with a questions to see how long I can keep that pattern of conversation going. 

7.  The "That looks so boring" Asshole

     Good thing I carry around my water colors and paint brush with me.  Right when someone says that is when it's us boring eaters cue to break out our paint set and paint our boring chicken multi-color to jazz it up a little.  It's rainbow colored now,  so it's physically impossible for anything with that color scheme to be boring.  Ask the gays,  they even selected rainbow color as their symbol.

8.  The "Cauliflower Pizza tastes just like the real thing!"  Asshole
       You and I just got off to a bad start.  If this was our first meeting,  I'd secretly tell people behind your back how much I dislike you.

        There is a certain balance to our society that we must maintain to survive. One of those balances is not equating paleo versions of food to the real deal.  No one in the history of history has ever said "I really enjoy these almond flour nut free gluten free dairty free pancakes over those ones I got at the diner last year".  NO ONE.  If you say this above statement,  you're lying which makes you a food asshole.

9. The "Dairy is bad for you" Asshole

    Really?  Did you decide this after your childhood years when you ate eat ice cream and had cookies and milk like the rest of us?  There is just as much research to suggest dairy is bad for our bodies as their is to suggest dairy is good for our bodies.   Everyone is different.  Some people are bothered by dairy, some people are not.  You're not Doctor Oz.  Shush.
     Just like I'm eating carbs now,  I drank this earlier.  Literally nothing better than an ice cold milk in the morning.  Or afternoon.  Or midnight.  I can't drink enough whole milk.

10.  The "I don't eat Sugar" Asshole

     Diet or low calorie foods have a sugar substitute.  Whose to say those sugar substitutes aren't bad for you as well?  Also,  have you ever eaten sugar free gummy bears?  They will make you poop your pants.

11.  The "You can't eat past 6" Asshole
     Calories are calories are calories.  Regardless of when you eat them,  they are calories.  Whether you eat them at 10am or 10pm,  calories are calories.  They are just as good,  or harmful,  in the morning as they are at night.    It matters how many you take in,  not exactly when you take them in.  However,  you shouldn't eat Indian food late.  It gives you nightmares.  I learned this one the hard way. 

12.  The "I have a food allergy" Asshole

    Maybe you do,  maybe you don't.  But if you don't and you say you do,  your an asshole.   The struggle is real for people who actually do.  The struggle is not real for people who actually don't.  If your gluten free to lose weight and call it an allergy,  you infuriate me.  Fat is not an allergic reaction to food.  Hives,  inability to breathe,  sickness, diarrhea,  uncontrollable itching, death, etc.  are allergic reactions to food.  The fact that your favorite Jessica Simpson jeans don't fit after you eat a large pizza is not due to an allergic reaction.

                                I know how real the struggle is.

      I'm allergic to apples, pears, peaches, plums, and strawberries.  No one ever believes me.  Shit's real. When I eat that nonsense my gums itch and bleed and it makes my throat hurt.  So I don't eat it.  I never eat it.  I don't kinda, sorta eat it by like taking little nibbles.  I never eat any of them.  That's a real allergy.  You can't have a food allergy if on Friday's you eat the foods your allergic to because your drunk. 

13. The "I'm on a Cleanse" Asshole

     Why are you cleansing,  did you recently spend the night in Chernobyl?  If so,  definitely cleanse your body of that radiation.  If not,  your liver and kidneys will cleanse your body just fine.  You're not cleansing if your cutting out alcohol for a month,  then going back to drinking it.  You're just not drinking alcohol.  Call it what it is.   

So listen,  maybe everyone has their own little food asshole tendencies.   I can assure you I do food assholie things, like taking instigrammies of my food and blogging about it.  Like I said,  thug life.  

  I'm not this extreme though.    These 13 things above make you the ultimate offender.  Put all of these 13 things into one person and it's the end of the world as we know it. The antichrist if you will.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

The Vast Difference between your Early and Late 20's

As I approach my 28th year on this earth I realized I have spent an equal amount of time in my Early 20’s and My Late 20’s.  My oh my how things have changed.  I think it’s important I document these changes for the youth of America who may read my blog, and for people in their late 20’s who will find this humorous.    This is the age, similar to menopause,  where we as women go from "I am so hot in this dress" to "Do I have a mustache?"

Early 20’s-  “Yay,  it’s Friday!  I wonder what Fraternity has a keg tonight?!?”
Late 20’s- “ Yay it’s Friday!  I wonder what movies are on Lifetime tonight?!?”

Early 20’s- “I’m hungover, let’s go get Bloody Mary’s so I feel better.”
Late 20’s- “I’m hungover, can you come over with a tape recorder so I can dictate my will to you?  I think I'm dying.  Also,  bring pizza. And a fountain coke.  And french fries from McDonalds.  And a chicken sandwich from Burger King.  Xtra Mayo.  Grab another fountain coke while your there too. I don't want to risk it.  And, bring a flash light.  It has to stay dark in here.”

Early 20’s-  “I have no plans,  the whole month of June is pretty much open.”
Late 20’s-  In June I have 3 Baby Showers, 2 Bridal Showers, 1 Bachelorette Party, and 4 Weddings.”

Early 20’s- “I wake up around 12 noon on Saturdays and text my friends.”
Late 20’s-  “I wake up around 7am on Saturdays and watch the news.”

Early 20’s-
Text From Boyfriend-  “I’m at the bar with my friends.  Not sure what time I’ll be home.”
Me-  “How could you go out without me?  Are there girls there?  I cannot believe you.  How am I going to spend my life with someone who’s so inconsiderate?  Do you not love me? 
Me-  “Answer me!”
Me- “Are you ignoring me now?”
Me- “That’s it, I’m done.”
Me- 4am--“take me back.”

Late 20’s
Text From Boyfriend: “I’m at the bar with my friends.  Not sure what time I’ll be home.”
Me:  “Good, have fun and be safe.  But I swear to EVERYTHING HOLY if you come home and make noise that wakes me up, consider yourself a dead man.” 

Early 20's- "I don't eat gluten, ever."
Late 20's-  "I don't eat meals without gluten,  ever."

Early 20’s Meal Plan:
2pm: Ramen made expertly in the microwave.
12am-  6 slices of pizza and a large fountain Mountain Dew

Late 20’s Meal Plan:
7am- 2 eggs, 2 egg whites, grain free bread, 1 tsp of butter
9am-  2 hardboiled eggs, a cheese stick.
12pm-  ½ cup brown rice,   4 ounces of chicken,  2 cups of steamed broccoli
Snack-  ½ Protein Bar,  8 ounces of whole organic milk
Dinner- 12pm- ½ cup brown rice,   4 ounces of chicken,  2 cups of steamed broccoli
8pm- Cannot eat past 6, go to bed hungry fatty.

Early 20's- "I love Lady Gaga"
Late 20's- "I love Katie Couric" 

Early 20’s-  “It’s payday!  I need a manicure, pedicure, a wax, and a new dress for tonight.”
Late 20’s- “It’s payday!”  Let me pay my electric bill so they don’t turn off my electric,  my Comcast Bill so I can still rent movies on Friday nights,   my student loans so they stop calling my house, and maybe buy some groceries to live off of.”

Early 20's- "Let's take a selfie!"
Late 20's- "Okay you can take a picture of me.  That angle is horrible! You can see my double chin.  Retake it.  God, this one is even worse.  Retake it.  Wait, do I have a mustache? No more photos" 

Early 20’s- “Okay,  I’ll be there in about an hour.  I need to put on makeup, pick out an outfit, and match my shoes to my shirt.”
Late 20’s- “Okay I’ll be there in about an hour, maybe.  I need to put a bra on.”

Early 20’s-  Facebook Status “Whose going out for Thirsty Thursday?  Totes need a drink with my girls!”
Late 20’s-  Facebook Status “What time is Restaurant Impossible on Thursday?  I missed it last week”

Early 20’s- “I can eat whatever I want and not gain a pound!”
Late 20’s- “I can eat whatever I want and gain 65 pounds in a week.”

Early 20’s- “OH MY GOD, Your baby is so cute! I cannot wait to have babies of my own.”
Late 20’s “Your baby is so cute!  Wait, it’s crying.  I think I broke it.  TAKE IT.  TAKE IT.  WHERE THE HELL IS THIS THINGS MOTHER!?!”

Early 20’s- Fellow Early 20’s friend says “Oh my god, you’re single.  I am so jealous.  You must have so much free time I bet.  I wish I was single.  You should like volunteer at the animal shelter or something.”
Late 20’s- Fellow Late 20’s friend says “Oh my god, you’re single.  It’s totally cool.   You are a great person.  You are going to meet someone before you know it.  My grandma says when you stop looking you meet someone.  My grandma is always right.  What about getting a cat?”

Early 20’s-  “I vote for the person who believes in Equal Rights.   I really have to connect with the person I vote for, I mean because our country depends on us to do the right thing when voting.   It’s my duty.”
Late 20’s- “I vote for whoever pisses me off less, and doesn’t dress like an ass.  They all lie anyway.”

Early 20’s- “I put on makeup for everything.  I even put on makeup before I go to the gym.’
Late 20’s- “I put on makeup for special occasions, like funerals.  I put on shoes before I go to the gym and pray I remembered a sports bra.”

Early 20’s- “I need a phone case with glitter and rhinestones.”
Late 20’s- “I need a phone case that works, because I can’t afford a new friggan phone.”

Early 20’s- “I want a career that will really affect the world in some way.  I want to save lives and stuff.  I want to make a difference with my career.”
Late 20’s- “What day is payday?”

Early 20’s- “Where does that girl that my boyfriend cheated on me with live?  I want to beat her up!”
Late 20’s- “Where does that girl my boyfriend cheated on me with live?  I want to drop off his stuff.”  

Early 20’s- “Let’s get drunk tonight!!!”
Late 20’s- “I can only stay out until like 9, Dateline and 20/20 come on around then. “

Early 20’s- “I have to be there around 8am, so I can wake up at 7:45am and be there on time.”
Late 20’s- “I have to be there around 8am,  so I can wake up at 5:45am and have a sensible breakfast, pack my lunch and snacks,  shower,  get dressed, and be there on time.”

Early 20’s- “I have 20 bucks, do you think my dad will put money in my account? What if I beg him pretty please and explain how serious the situation is---I mean, I can’t miss the party and I can’t wear the same dress again.”
Late 20’s- “I have 20 bucks, do you think the electric company accepts IOU’s?  What about if it’s handwritten with my tears smudging the writing?  I mean, maybe if I explain to them the situation they will understand and not make me go without heat and hot water again.”

Early 20’s- “This woman in front of me is using 20 coupons and taking forever! COME ON!”

Early 20’s- “I only buy grass fed organic meat. I also only buy organic vegetables and cage free eggs.”
Late 20’s- “I only buy what’s on sale, what I can afford, and enough to keep me alive day by day.”

Early 20’s- “I need some me time to be alone.”
Late 20’s- “I haven’t interacted with another human in 3 days.  Or changed my clothes.  Or showered”

Early 20’s-“I should donate these 3 bags of clothes to someone in need.”
Late 20’s- “I should try to sell these 3 bags of clothes to Plato’s Closet for 20 bucks to pay my electric bill.”

Early 20's-  "I can't wait to fall in love!"
Late 20's- "I am going to name my new cat Smudgy Butt Love Face"

Early 20's-  He's super cute,  but he looks like a player.
Late 20's-  He's super cute,  but he looks unemployed.