Thursday, May 15, 2014

Don't be a Food Asshole

This morning I read an article called Don't be a Crossfit Ahole and it got me thinking.  I pondered all the food assholes I know.  I thought I'd point out to you some of the food assholie-ness happening in America today.

1. The "That's not Paleo" Asshole

        I'm well aware of what is and what is not paleo.  I eat paleo pretty often but strictly,  no.  I enjoy cheese and milk way too much to be strict.  I also enjoy Pizza and Beer on occasion.  Neither of which are Paleo.  I am also aware that neither of these foods are paleo.  If you,  who do not eat Paleo,  remind me one more time we are gonna have some problems ( Pronounced like a rapper, PRAB-LEMS).  Knuck if you Buck.

2.  The "Carbs are bad for you" Asshole

     I once lived in this realm of distant reality, I must admit.  During this time period,  high school/college,  I was pretty hungry.   And still not even really "skinny" by America's standards.   I now enjoy rice,  sweet potatoes,  rice pasta, the occasional wheat pasta, etc.    On Sunday I can throw down too on some Ravioli's.  Please,  don't arrest me for it.  Don't send the carb police after me to spew their gluten intolerance message of hate.

As a matter of fact, I'm eating carbs as I write this.  YUM.   Are you thinking, what's that little meat wod to the right of the potato?  It's a Mexican turkey meat loaf with salsa on top.

    Did you know that vegetables also have carbs?  Those carbs aren't bad for you.  Refined carbs are bad for you---ie.  dunkin donuts.  Who even eats donuts anymore,  besides my dad.  

3. The "Gluten is bad for you" Asshole

      Do you need a ladder to get off that cross martyr?  Quit preaching.

      I agree,  Gluten is bad for people who have Ciliac's disease.  I do not have an intolerance to gluten.  I frequently eat gluten free foods,  but I don't preach about the adverse side effects of gluten---while shoving my face with raviolis on Sunday.

Jimmy Kimmel's What is Gluten Street Question

4. The "I only eat organic" Asshole

    I am pretty shittin sure (on a scale of 1-10,  shittin is the most sure you can be) that Oreo you just ate was not organic.  This goes right along with the "organic tastes better" and "locally grown tastes better" asshole.  Pesticides have no taste.   Neither does MSG.  So when the menu says "NO MSG" how would you know?  Same with organic.  Yeah yeah I know there are people who certify food organic.  I'm not dumb.  But there also people who approved the sale of Fen Phen and "the Birth Control Patch".   Look what happened there.

5. The "I know everything" Asshole

   Really,  you know EVERYTHING?  Every single thing there is to know about food?  Even the cows name where your milk came from you say?  Betsey?  Poor cow probably hates you pulling on her utters like that.   I am sure she's a sweet cow though.

     You may know a good amount,  but everyone is different.  Not everyone eats the same way or works out the same way.  Your way is not better than mine and mine is not better than yours.  So again,  keep the gluten and carb police away from me.  I believe in equal opportunity and I do not discriminate against any food group.

6.  The "I would never eat that" Asshole

     Good,  I wasn't offering it to you.  I am eating it.  We both can't be eating it because it was made to be eaten by one person.  There is only enough food for one person.

     Maybe you don't like it,  but if I am eating it,  maybe I do.    Someone recently asked me why I was eating rice at 10am.  I'm hungry?  What other answer is there.  I also really love answering questions with a questions to see how long I can keep that pattern of conversation going. 

7.  The "That looks so boring" Asshole

     Good thing I carry around my water colors and paint brush with me.  Right when someone says that is when it's us boring eaters cue to break out our paint set and paint our boring chicken multi-color to jazz it up a little.  It's rainbow colored now,  so it's physically impossible for anything with that color scheme to be boring.  Ask the gays,  they even selected rainbow color as their symbol.

8.  The "Cauliflower Pizza tastes just like the real thing!"  Asshole
       You and I just got off to a bad start.  If this was our first meeting,  I'd secretly tell people behind your back how much I dislike you.

        There is a certain balance to our society that we must maintain to survive. One of those balances is not equating paleo versions of food to the real deal.  No one in the history of history has ever said "I really enjoy these almond flour nut free gluten free dairty free pancakes over those ones I got at the diner last year".  NO ONE.  If you say this above statement,  you're lying which makes you a food asshole.

9. The "Dairy is bad for you" Asshole

    Really?  Did you decide this after your childhood years when you ate eat ice cream and had cookies and milk like the rest of us?  There is just as much research to suggest dairy is bad for our bodies as their is to suggest dairy is good for our bodies.   Everyone is different.  Some people are bothered by dairy, some people are not.  You're not Doctor Oz.  Shush.
     Just like I'm eating carbs now,  I drank this earlier.  Literally nothing better than an ice cold milk in the morning.  Or afternoon.  Or midnight.  I can't drink enough whole milk.

10.  The "I don't eat Sugar" Asshole

     Diet or low calorie foods have a sugar substitute.  Whose to say those sugar substitutes aren't bad for you as well?  Also,  have you ever eaten sugar free gummy bears?  They will make you poop your pants.

11.  The "You can't eat past 6" Asshole
     Calories are calories are calories.  Regardless of when you eat them,  they are calories.  Whether you eat them at 10am or 10pm,  calories are calories.  They are just as good,  or harmful,  in the morning as they are at night.    It matters how many you take in,  not exactly when you take them in.  However,  you shouldn't eat Indian food late.  It gives you nightmares.  I learned this one the hard way. 

12.  The "I have a food allergy" Asshole

    Maybe you do,  maybe you don't.  But if you don't and you say you do,  your an asshole.   The struggle is real for people who actually do.  The struggle is not real for people who actually don't.  If your gluten free to lose weight and call it an allergy,  you infuriate me.  Fat is not an allergic reaction to food.  Hives,  inability to breathe,  sickness, diarrhea,  uncontrollable itching, death, etc.  are allergic reactions to food.  The fact that your favorite Jessica Simpson jeans don't fit after you eat a large pizza is not due to an allergic reaction.

                                I know how real the struggle is.

      I'm allergic to apples, pears, peaches, plums, and strawberries.  No one ever believes me.  Shit's real. When I eat that nonsense my gums itch and bleed and it makes my throat hurt.  So I don't eat it.  I never eat it.  I don't kinda, sorta eat it by like taking little nibbles.  I never eat any of them.  That's a real allergy.  You can't have a food allergy if on Friday's you eat the foods your allergic to because your drunk. 

13. The "I'm on a Cleanse" Asshole

     Why are you cleansing,  did you recently spend the night in Chernobyl?  If so,  definitely cleanse your body of that radiation.  If not,  your liver and kidneys will cleanse your body just fine.  You're not cleansing if your cutting out alcohol for a month,  then going back to drinking it.  You're just not drinking alcohol.  Call it what it is.   

So listen,  maybe everyone has their own little food asshole tendencies.   I can assure you I do food assholie things, like taking instigrammies of my food and blogging about it.  Like I said,  thug life.  

  I'm not this extreme though.    These 13 things above make you the ultimate offender.  Put all of these 13 things into one person and it's the end of the world as we know it. The antichrist if you will.