Tuesday, May 6, 2014

The Vast Difference between your Early and Late 20's



As I approach my 28th year on this earth I realized I have spent an equal amount of time in my Early 20’s and My Late 20’s.  My oh my how things have changed.  I think it’s important I document these changes for the youth of America who may read my blog, and for people in their late 20’s who will find this humorous.    This is the age, similar to menopause,  where we as women go from "I am so hot in this dress" to "Do I have a mustache?"


Early 20’s-  “Yay,  it’s Friday!  I wonder what Fraternity has a keg tonight?!?”
Late 20’s- “ Yay it’s Friday!  I wonder what movies are on Lifetime tonight?!?”



Early 20’s- “I’m hungover, let’s go get Bloody Mary’s so I feel better.”
Late 20’s- “I’m hungover, can you come over with a tape recorder so I can dictate my will to you?  I think I'm dying.  Also,  bring pizza. And a fountain coke.  And french fries from McDonalds.  And a chicken sandwich from Burger King.  Xtra Mayo.  Grab another fountain coke while your there too. I don't want to risk it.  And, bring a flash light.  It has to stay dark in here.”



Early 20’s-  “I have no plans,  the whole month of June is pretty much open.”
Late 20’s-  In June I have 3 Baby Showers, 2 Bridal Showers, 1 Bachelorette Party, and 4 Weddings.”



Early 20’s- “I wake up around 12 noon on Saturdays and text my friends.”
Late 20’s-  “I wake up around 7am on Saturdays and watch the news.”



Early 20’s-
Text From Boyfriend-  “I’m at the bar with my friends.  Not sure what time I’ll be home.”
Me-  “How could you go out without me?  Are there girls there?  I cannot believe you.  How am I going to spend my life with someone who’s so inconsiderate?  Do you not love me? 
Me-  “Answer me!”
Me- “Are you ignoring me now?”
Me- “That’s it, I’m done.”
Me- 4am--“take me back.”
 

Late 20’s
Text From Boyfriend: “I’m at the bar with my friends.  Not sure what time I’ll be home.”
Me:  “Good, have fun and be safe.  But I swear to EVERYTHING HOLY if you come home and make noise that wakes me up, consider yourself a dead man.” 


Early 20's- "I don't eat gluten, ever."
Late 20's-  "I don't eat meals without gluten,  ever."




Early 20’s Meal Plan:
2pm: Ramen made expertly in the microwave.
12am-  6 slices of pizza and a large fountain Mountain Dew


Late 20’s Meal Plan:
7am- 2 eggs, 2 egg whites, grain free bread, 1 tsp of butter
9am-  2 hardboiled eggs, a cheese stick.
12pm-  ½ cup brown rice,   4 ounces of chicken,  2 cups of steamed broccoli
Snack-  ½ Protein Bar,  8 ounces of whole organic milk
Dinner- 12pm- ½ cup brown rice,   4 ounces of chicken,  2 cups of steamed broccoli
8pm- Cannot eat past 6, go to bed hungry fatty.



Early 20's- "I love Lady Gaga"
Late 20's- "I love Katie Couric" 



Early 20’s-  “It’s payday!  I need a manicure, pedicure, a wax, and a new dress for tonight.”
Late 20’s- “It’s payday!”  Let me pay my electric bill so they don’t turn off my electric,  my Comcast Bill so I can still rent movies on Friday nights,   my student loans so they stop calling my house, and maybe buy some groceries to live off of.”



Early 20's- "Let's take a selfie!"
Late 20's- "Okay you can take a picture of me.  That angle is horrible! You can see my double chin.  Retake it.  God, this one is even worse.  Retake it.  Wait, do I have a mustache? No more photos" 



Early 20’s- “Okay,  I’ll be there in about an hour.  I need to put on makeup, pick out an outfit, and match my shoes to my shirt.”
Late 20’s- “Okay I’ll be there in about an hour, maybe.  I need to put a bra on.”



Early 20’s-  Facebook Status “Whose going out for Thirsty Thursday?  Totes need a drink with my girls!”
Late 20’s-  Facebook Status “What time is Restaurant Impossible on Thursday?  I missed it last week”



Early 20’s- “I can eat whatever I want and not gain a pound!”
Late 20’s- “I can eat whatever I want and gain 65 pounds in a week.”



Early 20’s- “OH MY GOD, Your baby is so cute! I cannot wait to have babies of my own.”
Late 20’s “Your baby is so cute!  Wait, it’s crying.  I think I broke it.  TAKE IT.  TAKE IT.  WHERE THE HELL IS THIS THINGS MOTHER!?!”


Early 20’s- Fellow Early 20’s friend says “Oh my god, you’re single.  I am so jealous.  You must have so much free time I bet.  I wish I was single.  You should like volunteer at the animal shelter or something.”
Late 20’s- Fellow Late 20’s friend says “Oh my god, you’re single.  It’s totally cool.   You are a great person.  You are going to meet someone before you know it.  My grandma says when you stop looking you meet someone.  My grandma is always right.  What about getting a cat?”



Early 20’s-  “I vote for the person who believes in Equal Rights.   I really have to connect with the person I vote for, I mean because our country depends on us to do the right thing when voting.   It’s my duty.”
Late 20’s- “I vote for whoever pisses me off less, and doesn’t dress like an ass.  They all lie anyway.”



Early 20’s- “I put on makeup for everything.  I even put on makeup before I go to the gym.’
Late 20’s- “I put on makeup for special occasions, like funerals.  I put on shoes before I go to the gym and pray I remembered a sports bra.”



Early 20’s- “I need a phone case with glitter and rhinestones.”
Late 20’s- “I need a phone case that works, because I can’t afford a new friggan phone.”




Early 20’s- “I want a career that will really affect the world in some way.  I want to save lives and stuff.  I want to make a difference with my career.”
Late 20’s- “What day is payday?”




Early 20’s- “Where does that girl that my boyfriend cheated on me with live?  I want to beat her up!”
Late 20’s- “Where does that girl my boyfriend cheated on me with live?  I want to drop off his stuff.”  



Early 20’s- “Let’s get drunk tonight!!!”
Late 20’s- “I can only stay out until like 9, Dateline and 20/20 come on around then. “



Early 20’s- “I have to be there around 8am, so I can wake up at 7:45am and be there on time.”
Late 20’s- “I have to be there around 8am,  so I can wake up at 5:45am and have a sensible breakfast, pack my lunch and snacks,  shower,  get dressed, and be there on time.”



Early 20’s- “I have 20 bucks, do you think my dad will put money in my account? What if I beg him pretty please and explain how serious the situation is---I mean, I can’t miss the party and I can’t wear the same dress again.”
Late 20’s- “I have 20 bucks, do you think the electric company accepts IOU’s?  What about if it’s handwritten with my tears smudging the writing?  I mean, maybe if I explain to them the situation they will understand and not make me go without heat and hot water again.”



Early 20’s- “This woman in front of me is using 20 coupons and taking forever! COME ON!”
Late 20’s-  “WHERE DID SHE GET ALL THOSE COUPONS!?!”




Early 20’s- “I only buy grass fed organic meat. I also only buy organic vegetables and cage free eggs.”
Late 20’s- “I only buy what’s on sale, what I can afford, and enough to keep me alive day by day.”




Early 20’s- “I need some me time to be alone.”
Late 20’s- “I haven’t interacted with another human in 3 days.  Or changed my clothes.  Or showered”




Early 20’s-“I should donate these 3 bags of clothes to someone in need.”
Late 20’s- “I should try to sell these 3 bags of clothes to Plato’s Closet for 20 bucks to pay my electric bill.”



Early 20's-  "I can't wait to fall in love!"
Late 20's- "I am going to name my new cat Smudgy Butt Love Face"


Early 20's-  He's super cute,  but he looks like a player.
Late 20's-  He's super cute,  but he looks unemployed.