Friday, December 20, 2013

10 Things Women Think About Men

So, I've been thinking a lot lately about these quirks us women have when directed to men.  This all happened because a coworker was telling me about a gift her husband gave her that she didn't like.  In my mind I'm like "it's a gift".  I talked her down and back to earth.  I think, we all do it though.  It wasn't just her or this one situation,  we all do it, even me.    This may piss a lot of people off, but I think I get people pretty well.  I'm an avid observer of interactions, aka a people watcher.  I also take time to take note of how I have done some of these things as well.

1. We "out-bad" their bad day
          I have heard so many woman do this because women love to tell me their stories.  I think people think I am a good listener, but in all honesty two glasses of wine will make anyone listen to what you have to say, especially if you buy them for me.
         So,  their husband or boyfriend says "I had such a bad day at work" and all of sudden they come back with "Well, listen to what happened to me today!"  For god's sake woman, let him have his bad day.  I don't care if his version of a bad day is that when he got back from McDonald's he realized they didn't give him french fries---LET HIM TELL HIS STORY.  I'm not sure it's even just directed toward men though ladies.  I hear women all day trying to "out problem" each other.  "Oh you think you got problems? Listen to this...."    No offense mothers, but you are the biggest offenders when it comes to us childless people.  "Oh your tired, trying staying up all night nursing a baby who bites your boob and won't eat".  Well, you made that decision--I haven't made that decision yet--so when I say I didn't sleep well because my sinus infection DEAL WITH IT.
        Since when did anyone's problems become worse than anyone elses?  I am going to assume neither of the people in said relationship are currently living through the great depression, slavery,  genocide, or Nazi Germany.  With that being said, those people had "bad days" that supersede your bad day.

2.  We Assume What they are Going to Say
        When we have a fire lit under our ass we already have it in our head how he is going to respond.   We think about it all day long before we say it them.  We run down every possible asshole comment he can make when we are about to say something to them.  We are 100% sure they aren't going to just apologize or agree with us.
       So, because we "know" their response back is going to make him a jackass we say we gotta say like an ass.  We don't even give the poor guy a chance.    We go all bitchy resting face on the poor guy and talk to him like he's a child.  What if, and try to follow me here I know this is outlandish thought,  you said what you had to say and his response was going to be "I know, I'm sorry".    But, when you come in all guns blazing trying to blare your thoughts, it starts that tit for tat nonsense--well you did this, you did that, I hate your toes,  you snore, your mothers a nightmare, blah blah blah.   Why can't we just talk to men in a normal tone of voice until they give us a reason to otherwise?

3.  We Think They Are Trying to Piss Us Off
         I've heard so many women say  "I know he said it to piss me off".  My question is then, "what are you a schizophrenic, is everyone out to get you?"  I have a secret to share,  men have no idea before they are about to say something that it is in fact going to piss you off.   They actually probably have no idea what is about to come out of their mouth until it actually does. Neither do old people and people under their age of 10--they just let whatever pops in their noggin fly out their mouth,
        There is not one man on earth dumb enough to say something with the intention of pissing someone off on seemingly normal day with no reason.  Now, people that beat their wives and mentally abuse them--yeah they probably say things to piss their wives off.  Normal men, no.  They don't sit and plot all day "How can I ruin her day by saying something that in fact also ruins my day because I know once I say it she is going to nag me for the next 12 hours about what I said".
       There is no ulterior motive with men.  They don't go out of their way to piss us off.  It just happens, they speak and it happens to piss us off.

4.  He Bought that to Piss Me Off
       Now, I don't like every single person I've ever met and that's my right--I don't have to.  But,  I would NEVER, MARK MY WORDS, purchase something with the intention of pissing off another human being.  I could have spent that money on alcohol instead of trying to piss someone else off. That's alcohol abuse.
        If I don't buy things to piss people off, I can assure you men don't buy things to piss you off.  They buy you things because they genuinely think you will like it.  What a crazy thought.  However misguided,   they TRIED.   So maybe you did not like the end result, but at least acknowledge the fact that they tried.  Try saying something like "This was really thoughtful of you,  it's not really my style, but it was so thoughtful of you to think of me".  This may still piss him off but at least it's not you screaming "WHAT THE F!?!?  WHY THE F WOULD I WANT THIS?  DID YOU BUY ME THIS TO PISS ME OFF?"

5.  He Wore That to Piss Me off
      First, I must say this is the silliest thing I have ever heard.    I think I should preface this women by saying you should NEVER tell a man what to wear.  He is not your child.  You didn't pop him out of your ba-jay-jay.  If he is over the age of 10 with the mental capability on par with his age then he should be able to dress himself. 
     Sometimes, men don't put as much thought into their outfit as you would.  In their defense, I've met a lot of misguided women.   However, they did not put it on with the intention of pissing you off.  Okay, maybe they did if you told them not to wear it.  I would never scold my boyfriend (when I get a half decent one), because I would expect not to be scolded in return.  So what his outfit is silly---Does he love you?  Does he help you?  Does he make you a better person?--if you answered yes to all of those questions then PULL UP YOUR PANTYHOSE, PUT ON SOME LIPSTICK, POUR YOURSELF A DRINK, AND GET OVER IT.  However, if you answered no to all of those questions I know a great therapist who can talk you through your issue.

6.  He Forgot on Purpose
     Is that possible?  Do you remember to make yourself forget?  That seems impossible.  Let's clear this up quickly--he forgot because he forgot.  You are not any better than him because you remembered so, quick patting yourself on the back for remembering--it doesn't come with a medal or trophy. Unless of course your part of some "I remember everything" competition--which is called Jeopardy for old people.

7.  He Doesn't Know When He's Wrong
     Okay, I can relate--men have no idea when they are wrong and never think they are wrong.  But, women do that too.   They don't do it because they want to make us mad,  they just don't think they are wrong.  I have kids I work with who don't think they are wrong either.  I told a kid the other day to check her abacus because the answer was wrong and the response they gave me was "Agree to disagree".  Well, touche little one, touche.

8. He's Ignoring My Texts on Purpose
     Nope, he's busy.  He didn't look down at his phone and think "let's see how long I can wait to respond before she goes crazy like a meth addict with delusions".  Nope, he's probably just busy.     Let me name for you at least 10 things he could be doing for why he is not answering your texts--
1.  Working
2. In a meeting
3. Out with friends
4. Sleeping (it is 2am you whackjob)
5. With his family
6. At church (no one ignores wooden Jesus to answer a text)
7. Eating something that requires two hands (ie. cheeseburger, cheesesteak, wings, a large slice of pizza, a messy danish if you will, etc.)
8. Using the bathroom
9. Visiting somewhere that prohibits the use of cells phones (his cousin in jail,  his Aunt Ida in the hospital, his dermatologist's waitingroom)
10. Something tragic happened (his dog skip is in the doggy ER)

9.   He Doesn't Listen to Me
    No, he probably doesn't listen to much of anything.  Men live on a planet separate from ours.  On this planet they hear what they want to hear and do what they want to do.  If you want to change that, move to their planet and start a revolution.  Until then, repeat yourself and make it clear you both heard what you said.  If he still isn't listening, then it's likely he doesn't care and you should trade him in for something that does listen--like a therapist.

10.  He Doesn't Understand Me
     I've heard "He just doesn't get me" or "He just doesn't understand me".  If I could I'd respond "Lady, I've been listening to you for 20 minutes and I don't god damn get what you want."  You want him to be more supportive, but not on top of you, you want him to listen more but not talk to you during your shows, you want him to buy gifts you want by reading your mind,  you want him to show he loves you but not tell him how to do that, etc.  Aye karumba lady.  I don't get you either.
      It's likely if you think you doesn't understand you, you don't understand him.  But really, how are we supposed to ever understand other people?  We don't read minds, unless your like the Long Island Medium with that big blonde hair and long fake nails or is she a medium? I don't know but I've lost my train of thought...
     Found it....we don't have the capability understand anybody else.  It's not just him who doesn't understand you.  It's impossible to absolutely understand what someone else wants if they don't SAY IT.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Vegetable Linguini with Chicken and Fresh Basil

This meal is easy and uses most of the ingredients you already have in your house.  It's also fairly cheap to make for a crowd.  It's light and fit, opting for a wheat pasta as opposed to a white pasta.    It's also--amazing.  Fresh Basil truly makes the difference.  If you don't like basil, you lose.

Are you thinking---wait what this aint paleo?  I know I know.  Let me explain myself. I am in the process of moving, which means I am also in the process of eating all of the food I have left in my house so it doesn't move with me.   Otherwise, cans of tuna, lean cuisine pizzas, pasta I never eat, etc. are moving with me.  What. A. Waste.

You may also be thinking (if your up ringing was like mine)--WHEAT PASTA??  I am not a huge fan of wheat pasta either.  But maybe one day while in the grocery store I thought I'd enjoy wasting money--so I bought wheat linguini.    I believe if you are going to eat pasta, you should go big or go home.  I believe white pastas like gnocchis (I've pronounced it "yon-keys" since I could say my first word), raviolis, ditalitini, and papardelle are the only way to go.  Writing that, gave me goosebumps.  God I love fat pasta. 

I make this solemn promise to you, my adoring fans:   
I will never disgrace homemade sauce and meatballs with wheat pasta. 
You can take that statement to the bank and write it on my headstone one day.  One time I ate it with spaghetti squash and it just felt wrong, dirty, and immoral.  I should have gone to talk to wooden Jesus after.

 Vegetable Linguini with Chicken and Fresh Basil
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 1 hour
Serves: 4-6

1 lb Wheat Pasta Linguini
1 lb chicken breast or chicken breast tenderloin, raw and diced
1 1/2 lbs large sized Cherry Tomatoes or Plum Tomatoes on the Vine, whole
1 yellow squash, sliced
1 green squash, sliced
1 Container Whole Cremini Mushrooms, sliced (do not remove or discard stems, quit wasting food)
8 Cloves of Garlic, Pampa Marinated with Spices (in the dollar section of ACME, or use garlic from the olive bar, or if you have no creativity just garlic)

Table Salt and Pepper for cooking
8-10 Basil Leaves
2 tbsp Pecerrino Romano Cheese and some for serving
2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil, divided and some for serving
1 tbsp Lemon Juice (fresh or refrigerated)

1. Begin by preheating your oven to 375 degrees.
2. Line a rimmed baking sheet with tin foil and place cherry tomatoes on top. 

3. Take a fork and stab each cherry tomatoes so they do not explode in the oven.
4. Pour 1 tbsp olive oil over the tomatoes, making sure to cover each.  
5. Sprinkle tomatoes with salt and pepper, about a tbsp of each.
6.  Place the tomatoes in the preheated oven for approximately 25 minutes or until they appear to have bursted open.  EASY PEASY LEMON SQUEEZY.
7.  While your tomatoes are cooking away heat 1 tbsp of olive oil over medium high heat in a saute pan.
8. Place the chicken in the saute pan and brown on both sides for about 5-7 minutes adding salt and pepper in the amount of 1 tsp each while cooking (unsalted chicken might as well me dog food). When the chicken is done begin boiling your water for your pasta in a large pasta pot.

9. Once the chicken is cooked through and the chunks are no longer pink inside remove them from the pan and put them on a separate plate.  
10.  With the remaining oil in the pan saute all vegetables (minus the garlic) over medium high heat, for approximately 15 minutes.  When softened squirt lemon juice on top.

11.   Place the minced garlic in last, as to not allow it to burn.  Throw the chicken back in.
12. Cook the pasta according to the directions on the box.
13. When your tomatoes are done, place them with the chicken and vegetables on low heat.

14.  Sprinkle 2 tbsp of cheese over top and allow to continue to cook on low, stiring vegetables and chicken occasionally while pasta finishes cooking.  Strain the pasta when it is done cooking.
15. In a large serving bowl or individual plates nest some pasta.  Depending on how you are serving it, drizzle olive oil on the pasta.  
16.  Place vegetables and chicken over the pasta. Sprinkle with cheese for serving.  Place chiffonaded Basil leaves on top--let me teach you how to chiffonade...
                                                      1. Place basil leaves flat and in a pile on the cutting board with all  the stems facing in one direction.
             2.  Begin to roll the basil leaves together into one bunch.
           3. Cut the basil lengthwise across making little baby strips of  basil.

17. Sprinkle on top of pasta and SERVE.