Tuesday, June 25, 2013

I Am A Medical Anomaly

I Am A Medical Anomaly.  What do I mean do you ask?  I am an anomaly, meaning I don't fit under any classification.  Anomaly is defined as:  a·nom·a·ly  (-nm-l)n. pl. a·nom·a·lies
1. Deviation or departure from the normal or common order, form, or rule.
2. One that is peculiar, irregular, abnormal, or difficult to classify.
 So, my issues don't fit under one specific diagnoses.

You remember like 2 weeks ago I told you I have Lyme's Carditis? Well, I was told tonight I don't.  I went to see someone who specializes in Lyme's disease.  She says well "I think I am going to make your night, I don't think you have Lyme's disease. So you don't have to keep taking that medicine that makes you sick.  When your heart doctor called me he said I don't want to put a pacemaker in a 26 year old."  WAIT, STOP..WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?  PACEMAKER PACEMAKER PACEMAKER She kept saying that word to the point I had to cover my face and tell her that word is upsetting me.  She then said "What word, pacemaker?" 

Remember when you were a kid and the really annoying kid kept repeating the same word or phrase and you told them it was annoying and their response was exactly what she did..."what (insert word/phrase here)?". It's like being taunted by a professional who your paying to give you answers.  Almost as if she thought this was coming.  So I asked her why is my heart like this then?  "I don't know".  Well, who does know?  The heart doctor said I have Lyme's disease in my heart.  WRONG. 

DD says we need to get a second opinion.  Well, technically, and you know I don't like to be technical, but isn't this my 6th opinion?  And my 12th copay?  What do these medical professional think, I'm made of copays?  No one told them but I don't work in the summer.  How can I buy alcohol or pay for my crossfit membership if I am constantly paying them co-pays?

So,  6th opinion 12th copay and I think I have found a way to resolve it.  Let's get all of my doctors together in one room.   I will hand each of them a $20 copay and they can hash it out amongst themselves.  Maybe I can bring like a speaking stick to and only the person with the stick can talk.  I can yell at them and say "One copay speaks at a time...rebuttals when it's your turn to have the stick". It will probably end like Magic Mike (which is on in the background right now). You pay someone all this money hoping for an epiphany and then 2 hours later you realize you want your money back.

Stay tuned...6 more days with the heart monitor on.  I can share with you more of how I forgot the monitor when I was in shop rite.  I was walking down the vegetable aisle and I heart SIRENS SIRENS SIRENS coming from under my shirt. DAMMIT I FORGOT THE MONITOR.  In the middle of the vegetable aisle I decided I didn't give a shit who saw--I put my hand up my shirt and removed the battery and went on my merry way through the store.  Take that faulty heart.