Don't be a Food Asshole

This morning I read an article called Don't be a Crossfit Ahole and it got me thinking.  I pondered all the food assholes I know.  I thought I'd point out to you some of the food assholie-ness happening in America today.

1. The "That's not Paleo" Asshole

        I'm well aware of what is and what is not paleo.  I eat paleo pretty often but strictly,  no.  I enjoy cheese and milk way too much to be strict.  I also enjoy Pizza and Beer on occasion.  Neither of which are Paleo.  I am also aware that neither of these foods are paleo.  If you,  who do not eat Paleo,  remind me one more time we are gonna have some problems ( Pronounced like a rapper, PRAB-LEMS).  Knuck if you Buck.



2.  The "Carbs are bad for you" Asshole

     I once lived in this realm of distant reality, I must admit.  During this time period,  high school/college,  I was pretty hungry.   And still not even really "skinny" by America's standards.   I now enjoy rice,  sweet potatoes,  rice pasta, the occasional wheat pasta, etc.    On Sunday I can throw down too on some Ravioli's.  Please,  don't arrest me for it.  Don't send the carb police after me to spew their gluten intolerance message of hate.

As a matter of fact, I'm eating carbs as I write this.  YUM.   Are you thinking, what's that little meat wod to the right of the potato?  It's a Mexican turkey meat loaf with salsa on top.

    Did you know that vegetables also have carbs?  Those carbs aren't bad for you.  Refined carbs are bad for you---ie.  dunkin donuts.  Who even eats donuts anymore,  besides my dad.  



3. The "Gluten is bad for you" Asshole

      Do you need a ladder to get off that cross martyr?  Quit preaching.

      I agree,  Gluten is bad for people who have Ciliac's disease.  I do not have an intolerance to gluten.  I frequently eat gluten free foods,  but I don't preach about the adverse side effects of gluten---while shoving my face with raviolis on Sunday.

Jimmy Kimmel's What is Gluten Street Question
 


4. The "I only eat organic" Asshole

    I am pretty shittin sure (on a scale of 1-10,  shittin is the most sure you can be) that Oreo you just ate was not organic.  This goes right along with the "organic tastes better" and "locally grown tastes better" asshole.  Pesticides have no taste.   Neither does MSG.  So when the menu says "NO MSG" how would you know?  Same with organic.  Yeah yeah I know there are people who certify food organic.  I'm not dumb.  But there also people who approved the sale of Fen Phen and "the Birth Control Patch".   Look what happened there.

5. The "I know everything" Asshole

   Really,  you know EVERYTHING?  Every single thing there is to know about food?  Even the cows name where your milk came from you say?  Betsey?  Poor cow probably hates you pulling on her utters like that.   I am sure she's a sweet cow though.

     You may know a good amount,  but everyone is different.  Not everyone eats the same way or works out the same way.  Your way is not better than mine and mine is not better than yours.  So again,  keep the gluten and carb police away from me.  I believe in equal opportunity and I do not discriminate against any food group.



6.  The "I would never eat that" Asshole

    
     Good,  I wasn't offering it to you.  I am eating it.  We both can't be eating it because it was made to be eaten by one person.  There is only enough food for one person.

     Maybe you don't like it,  but if I am eating it,  maybe I do.    Someone recently asked me why I was eating rice at 10am.  I'm hungry?  What other answer is there.  I also really love answering questions with a questions to see how long I can keep that pattern of conversation going. 



7.  The "That looks so boring" Asshole

     Good thing I carry around my water colors and paint brush with me.  Right when someone says that is when it's us boring eaters cue to break out our paint set and paint our boring chicken multi-color to jazz it up a little.  It's rainbow colored now,  so it's physically impossible for anything with that color scheme to be boring.  Ask the gays,  they even selected rainbow color as their symbol.



8.  The "Cauliflower Pizza tastes just like the real thing!"  Asshole
    
       You and I just got off to a bad start.  If this was our first meeting,  I'd secretly tell people behind your back how much I dislike you.

        There is a certain balance to our society that we must maintain to survive. One of those balances is not equating paleo versions of food to the real deal.  No one in the history of history has ever said "I really enjoy these almond flour nut free gluten free dairty free pancakes over those ones I got at the diner last year".  NO ONE.  If you say this above statement,  you're lying which makes you a food asshole.



9. The "Dairy is bad for you" Asshole

    Really?  Did you decide this after your childhood years when you ate eat ice cream and had cookies and milk like the rest of us?  There is just as much research to suggest dairy is bad for our bodies as their is to suggest dairy is good for our bodies.   Everyone is different.  Some people are bothered by dairy, some people are not.  You're not Doctor Oz.  Shush.

     
     Just like I'm eating carbs now,  I drank this earlier.  Literally nothing better than an ice cold milk in the morning.  Or afternoon.  Or midnight.  I can't drink enough whole milk.


10.  The "I don't eat Sugar" Asshole

     Diet or low calorie foods have a sugar substitute.  Whose to say those sugar substitutes aren't bad for you as well?  Also,  have you ever eaten sugar free gummy bears?  They will make you poop your pants.

11.  The "You can't eat past 6" Asshole
  
     Calories are calories are calories.  Regardless of when you eat them,  they are calories.  Whether you eat them at 10am or 10pm,  calories are calories.  They are just as good,  or harmful,  in the morning as they are at night.    It matters how many you take in,  not exactly when you take them in.  However,  you shouldn't eat Indian food late.  It gives you nightmares.  I learned this one the hard way. 


12.  The "I have a food allergy" Asshole

    Maybe you do,  maybe you don't.  But if you don't and you say you do,  your an asshole.   The struggle is real for people who actually do.  The struggle is not real for people who actually don't.  If your gluten free to lose weight and call it an allergy,  you infuriate me.  Fat is not an allergic reaction to food.  Hives,  inability to breathe,  sickness, diarrhea,  uncontrollable itching, death, etc.  are allergic reactions to food.  The fact that your favorite Jessica Simpson jeans don't fit after you eat a large pizza is not due to an allergic reaction.

                                I know how real the struggle is.
                                #thuglife. 

 

      I'm allergic to apples, pears, peaches, plums, and strawberries.  No one ever believes me.  Shit's real. When I eat that nonsense my gums itch and bleed and it makes my throat hurt.  So I don't eat it.  I never eat it.  I don't kinda, sorta eat it by like taking little nibbles.  I never eat any of them.  That's a real allergy.  You can't have a food allergy if on Friday's you eat the foods your allergic to because your drunk. 


13. The "I'm on a Cleanse" Asshole

     Why are you cleansing,  did you recently spend the night in Chernobyl?  If so,  definitely cleanse your body of that radiation.  If not,  your liver and kidneys will cleanse your body just fine.  You're not cleansing if your cutting out alcohol for a month,  then going back to drinking it.  You're just not drinking alcohol.  Call it what it is.   

So listen,  maybe everyone has their own little food asshole tendencies.   I can assure you I do food assholie things, like taking instigrammies of my food and blogging about it.  Like I said,  thug life.  

  I'm not this extreme though.    These 13 things above make you the ultimate offender.  Put all of these 13 things into one person and it's the end of the world as we know it. The antichrist if you will.

The Vast Difference between your Early and Late 20's

As I approach my 28^th year on this earth I realized I have spent an equal amount of time in my Early 20’s and My Late 20’s.  My oh my how things have changed.  I think it’s important I document these changes for the youth of America who may read my blog, and for people in their late 20’s who will find this humorous.    This is the age, similar to menopause,  where we as women go from "I am so hot in this dress" to "Do I have a mustache?"

Early 20’s-  “Yay,  it’s Friday!  I wonder what Fraternity has a keg tonight?!?”

Late 20’s- “ Yay it’s Friday!  I wonder what movies are on Lifetime tonight?!?”

Early 20’s- “I’m hungover, let’s go get Bloody Mary’s so I feel better.”

Late 20’s- “I’m hungover, can you come over with a tape recorder so I can dictate my will to you?  I think I'm dying.  Also,  bring pizza. And a fountain coke.  And french fries from McDonalds.  And a chicken sandwich from Burger King.  Xtra Mayo.  Grab another fountain coke while your there too. I don't want to risk it.  And, bring a flash light.  It has to stay dark in here.”

Early 20’s-  “I have no plans,  the whole month of June is pretty much open.”

Late 20’s-“  In June I have 3 Baby Showers, 2 Bridal Showers, 1 Bachelorette Party, and 4 Weddings.”

Early 20’s- “I wake up around 12 noon on Saturdays and text my friends.”

Late 20’s-  “I wake up around 7am on Saturdays and watch the news.”

Early 20’s-

Text From Boyfriend-  “I’m at the bar with my friends.  Not sure what time I’ll be home.”

Me-  “How could you go out without me?  Are there girls there?  I cannot believe you.  How am I going to spend my life with someone who’s so inconsiderate?  Do you not love me? 

Me-  “Answer me!”

Me- “Are you ignoring me now?”

Me- “That’s it, I’m done.”

Me- 4am--“take me back.”

 

Late 20’s

Text From Boyfriend: “I’m at the bar with my friends.  Not sure what time I’ll be home.”

Me:  “Good, have fun and be safe.  But I swear to EVERYTHING HOLY if you come home and make noise that wakes me up, consider yourself a dead man.” 

Early 20's- "I don't eat gluten, ever."
Late 20's-  "I don't eat meals without gluten,  ever."

Early 20’s Meal Plan:

2pm: Ramen made expertly in the microwave.

12am-  6 slices of pizza and a large fountain Mountain Dew

Late 20’s Meal Plan:

7am- 2 eggs, 2 egg whites, grain free bread, 1 tsp of butter

9am-  2 hardboiled eggs, a cheese stick.

12pm-  ½ cup brown rice,   4 ounces of chicken,  2 cups of steamed broccoli

Snack-  ½ Protein Bar,  8 ounces of whole organic milk

Dinner- 12pm- ½ cup brown rice,   4 ounces of chicken,  2 cups of steamed broccoli

8pm- Cannot eat past 6, go to bed hungry fatty.

Early 20's- "I love Lady Gaga"

Late 20's- "I love Katie Couric" 

Early 20’s-  “It’s payday!  I need a manicure, pedicure, a wax, and a new dress for tonight.”

Late 20’s- “It’s payday!”  Let me pay my electric bill so they don’t turn off my electric,  my Comcast Bill so I can still rent movies on Friday nights,   my student loans so they stop calling my house, and maybe buy some groceries to live off of.”

Early 20's- "Let's take a selfie!"

Late 20's- "Okay you can take a picture of me.  That angle is horrible! You can see my double chin.  Retake it.  God, this one is even worse.  Retake it.  Wait, do I have a mustache? No more photos" 

Early 20’s- “Okay,  I’ll be there in about an hour.  I need to put on makeup, pick out an outfit, and match my shoes to my shirt.”

Late 20’s- “Okay I’ll be there in about an hour, maybe.  I need to put a bra on.”

Early 20’s-  Facebook Status “Whose going out for Thirsty Thursday?  Totes need a drink with my girls!”

Late 20’s-  Facebook Status “What time is Restaurant Impossible on Thursday?  I missed it last week”

Early 20’s- “I can eat whatever I want and not gain a pound!”

Late 20’s- “I can eat whatever I want and gain 65 pounds in a week.”

Early 20’s- “OH MY GOD, Your baby is so cute! I cannot wait to have babies of my own.”

Late 20’s “Your baby is so cute!  Wait, it’s crying.  I think I broke it.  TAKE IT.  TAKE IT.  WHERE THE HELL IS THIS THINGS MOTHER!?!”

Early 20’s- Fellow Early 20’s friend says “Oh my god, you’re single.  I am so jealous.  You must have so much free time I bet.  I wish I was single.  You should like volunteer at the animal shelter or something.”

Late 20’s- Fellow Late 20’s friend says “Oh my god, you’re single.  It’s totally cool.   You are a great person.  You are going to meet someone before you know it.  My grandma says when you stop looking you meet someone.  My grandma is always right.  What about getting a cat?”

Early 20’s-  “I vote for the person who believes in Equal Rights.   I really have to connect with the person I vote for, I mean because our country depends on us to do the right thing when voting.   It’s my duty.”

Late 20’s- “I vote for whoever pisses me off less, and doesn’t dress like an ass.  They all lie anyway.”

Early 20’s- “I put on makeup for everything.  I even put on makeup before I go to the gym.’

Late 20’s- “I put on makeup for special occasions, like funerals.  I put on shoes before I go to the gym and pray I remembered a sports bra.”

Early 20’s- “I need a phone case with glitter and rhinestones.”

Late 20’s- “I need a phone case that works, because I can’t afford a new friggan phone.”

Early 20’s- “I want a career that will really affect the world in some way.  I want to save lives and stuff.  I want to make a difference with my career.”

Late 20’s- “What day is payday?”

Early 20’s- “Where does that girl that my boyfriend cheated on me with live?  I want to beat her up!”

Late 20’s- “Where does that girl my boyfriend cheated on me with live?  I want to drop off his stuff.”  

Early 20’s- “Let’s get drunk tonight!!!”

Late 20’s- “I can only stay out until like 9, Dateline and 20/20 come on around then. “

Early 20’s- “I have to be there around 8am, so I can wake up at 7:45am and be there on time.”

Late 20’s- “I have to be there around 8am,  so I can wake up at 5:45am and have a sensible breakfast, pack my lunch and snacks,  shower,  get dressed, and be there on time.”

Early 20’s- “I have 20 bucks, do you think my dad will put money in my account? What if I beg him pretty please and explain how serious the situation is---I mean, I can’t miss the party and I can’t wear the same dress again.”

Late 20’s- “I have 20 bucks, do you think the electric company accepts IOU’s?  What about if it’s handwritten with my tears smudging the writing?  I mean, maybe if I explain to them the situation they will understand and not make me go without heat and hot water again.”

Early 20’s- “This woman in front of me is using 20 coupons and taking forever! COME ON!”

Late 20’s-  “WHERE DID SHE GET ALL THOSE COUPONS!?!”

Early 20’s- “I only buy grass fed organic meat. I also only buy organic vegetables and cage free eggs.”

Late 20’s- “I only buy what’s on sale, what I can afford, and enough to keep me alive day by day.”

Early 20’s- “I need some me time to be alone.”

Late 20’s- “I haven’t interacted with another human in 3 days.  Or changed my clothes.  Or showered”

Early 20’s-“I should donate these 3 bags of clothes to someone in need.”

Late 20’s- “I should try to sell these 3 bags of clothes to Plato’s Closet for 20 bucks to pay my electric bill.”



Early 20's-  "I can't wait to fall in love!"
Late 20's- "I am going to name my new cat Smudgy Butt Love Face"

Early 20's-  He's super cute,  but he looks like a player.
Late 20's-  He's super cute,  but he looks unemployed.

Hi, my name is Elyse and I am a Sugar Addict

      There is a darkness inside of me.  It's sugar.  I used to think I had this darkness under control.  I have come to the realization I do not.  I heard once (maybe on Intervention or SVU?) the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.  Here I am admitting it,  before it turns into me mainlining granulated sugar off of a teaspoon.  From there it may move to me heating that teaspoon with a lighter underneath and drinking the sugary syrup byproduct.  Either way, it's a bad scene like most clubs in the 70's.  I need to clear my conscious before I delve too deeply into this under world. 

      Sugar Addiction is real.  Who knew?  It has all the top docs talking because it really does present with signs, symptoms, and withdraw.  Withdraw is a BITCH.  The kind of bitch you see in the street and abruptly turn on your heels and head the other direction because you want to avoid her resting bitch face.  I mean I've just heard that.  I've been a sugar addict so long I haven't had withdraw yet,  but if I had I bet it would feel just like that.  I didn't even know I was a sugar addict.  Until,  recently when I confronted my demons.

      My problem is simple--once I start, I can't stop.  Some people are addicted to pastries, cake, Oreos, etc.  Not me--I am addicted to candy--- DAMMIT HARIBO GUMMY BEARS STOP MAKING SUCH SWEET AND DELICIOUS FRUIT FILLED MONSTERS.

       My office is surrounded by cubicles.  One particular cubicle has someone I like to call my work mom.  She knows I love Milk Chocolate Hershey Nuggets.  She keeps these Nuggets in her top left hand drawer just for me.    I usually eat one after lunch.  If I skip this ritual and pass her desk without stopping,  I get anxious. My palms start to sweat and I can't stop thinking about it.  Maybe not that serious, but you get the idea.  It starts with a nugget,  then I get home from work and eat a half bag of Sour Patch Kids,  which I don't even like because they burn the roof of my mouth or something,  but they are there from Easter so I eat them anyway.  Then on the way out the door I grab 6 or 7 jelly beans I have for "company" (who the hell comes over my house anyway?).   Then I get to my bartending job and the cook has purchased one of those "can feed a small country" size bags of the mixed chocolate from BJ's.  Here we go with me passing by that mini twix and getting the sugar sweats.

       At Valentine's Day my kiddos love to give me all sorts of candy.  I will average about 5 of those mini heart shaped boxes filled with candy.  It will start with me opening it and only eating the caramels.  Then,  I'll take bites of the ones no one even likes like "fudge coconut nougat".  It will be gross.  So I'll try the next one.  Gross again.  I'll bite all 6 in the box then throw the box away.  If my kids knew I did this,  maybe they would stop buying me the mix box and only get me the caramels--which would only escalate my addiction.  I'd probably end up putting all 6 in my hand at one time and shoveling them in like a trash truck dropping off it's daily haul at the county dump.

      Study related evidence suggests a dependency on sugar may lead some people to show addict-like behaviors. Sugar even affects the same "feel-good" brain hormones as street drugs. So for me and I am sure many of you

1. Sugar Cravings at Consistent Times: CHECK
2. Discomfort when cutting back: CHECK
3. Mood Swings when you do not ingest sugar: CHECK
4.  Irrational Thinking: CHECK
5.  Binge eating other foods: CHECK

      So,  how do I plan to recover?  I plan to go cold turkey.  By cold turkey I mean watch other people eat sugar and have a friend tie my hands behind my back when I get the urge.    It's really only candy I want to eat.  Cake, donuts, etc. I can skip for the rest of my life.  I should be good to go unless I surround myself with a bunch of screaming 6 year olds eating gummy worms like there is no tomorrow.  Or,  if I am at the movies and all 120 patrons are eating that $6.78 candy they sell out front.  Or,  if I am in the grocery store and some super mom is shoving peachieo's down her kids throat to keep him from flipping the cart in the store like the little hulk strength HANGRY kids without sugar usually get.  Or,  if I am at a tee-ball game where everyone is eating candy in the stands.  Why would I be at a tee-ball game?  I don't know,  but I have to make sure I mentally cover every single scenario possible. Plus, my nephew is 3 months old so in 4 years he will be playing tee-ball.  I need to plan for the future.

      So, basically if I go no where and lock myself in my house with all of my jellybeans out front on the steps for the deer.  Even then,  it may come down to a fist fight with the deer once I realize I have given them my only stash of gold.


The good thing is I know I am not suffering alone.  See below:

      This is me talking to my sister and cousin about my new way of eating which I am working on with my crossfit coach Ron Ron Orbin.   His new way of eating does not include highly processed sugar foods.  Like I said, I am going cold turkey.  Minus the fact I admitted to him last night I ate a "fun size" (not a thing fun about that small ass size) Sour Patch Kids while bartending.  He, like always, used a ton of medical terms I hardly understand which scared me straight (like the show for teenagers, minus the prison).  The only thing I understood was diabetes,  which my family calls "the sugar".  When referencing someone recently diagnosed with Diabetes it wouldn't be uncommon to hear someone in my family say " Yes,  they have the sugar". 

I am not alone.   People all over the world are suffering.  Let's stop the madness.

I hope this post helped you also recognize your sugar addiction and find salvation. If not,  I hope it made you laugh.

Porkette

       Pork is truly an underused meat. Now, don't go crazy on me here---I am not a big fan of pork chops.  When I was a kid my dad used to make "chicken cutlets",  but really they were pork cutlets that he paraded around as chicken.  They did nothing for me.  Bland, fatty, and porky.  In my older age I've had some good pork---but nothing as good as Porkette. 

       Something disturbing happened to me recently.  Someone said they didn't know what porkette was.  Then another person said it.  Then another. Then another. WHAT PLANET ARE YOU FROM?  No,  it's not BBQ.  No, it doesn't have any kind of sauce on it.  IT'S PORKETTE.  Maybe because I grew up in Gibbstown,  the home of the St. Mike's Porkette.  Like the land of the free home of the brave,  except in Gibbstown it's the home of the porkette the land of the broccoli rabe and provolone. 

Porkette is traditionally served on a roll with sharp or mild provolone, broccoli rabe (known to Italians as "broccoli rabb-e"), and/or roasted red peppers.

This recipe is for a party porkette that would serve about 15 people 1 sandwich each.  You can modify this recipe as needed.  I've made 5 pound pork shoulders and just halved the spices, oil, and cooking time.

Porkette

Prep Time: 20 minutes

Cook Time: 20-25 minutes per pound, or 8-10 hours

Serves: 15

Ingredients:
1 9-10lb Pork Shoulder or Butt, bone in
2 tbsp olive oil
1 tbsp oregano
1 tbsp salt
1 tbsp pepper
1 tbsp parsley
6 garlic cloves, cut in half
2 pork gravy packets
3 cups water

Directions
1. Take your beautiful pork shoulder out of the wrapping and discard paper.

2.  Cut 12 deep slices in the fat, about 1 inch wide.

3.  Place garlic cloves in the cuts.
4.  Heat a cast iron skillet, dry,  over medium high heat until very hot.
5.  Rub the outside of the pork with olive oil.
6. Mix all spices together.
7.  Pat the spices into the pork shoulder well.
8.  Sear meat on all sides for about 5-7 minutes per side (be careful of burning).

9.  While your meat is searing mix both packets of pork gravy with 3 cups of cold water and pour into crock pot.
10.  Turn the crock pot on low and once the meat is finished searing, place inside of crock pot FAT SIDE UP.

11.  Cook on low, covered, for about 20-25 minutes per pound....an average of 8-10 hours.  Mine cooked just shy of 10 hours because I overslept.  Traditionally a good porkette goes in the crock about 3am and finishes by 4pm.  But---I overslept!  When you remove the pork shoulder the bone should slide right out and the fat should have melted away.  THAT'S AMORE!

12.  Place shredded meat back in crock pot to absorb the juices.

This is my broccoli rabb-e.

The trick is to boil it first for 10-12 minutes, then saute it with garlic and oil.  If you do not boil it first it has a tenancy to be really bitter. 

 

81 Things Girls Need to Hear from Someone Other than their Mother's

          In thinking,  my mom told me a lot of stuff.  Like,  a lot.  I learned most of what I know today from DD.  Big shout to DD,  you are an amazing mother.  However,  you know when your young,  you don't listen.  Period.  There is no exception to that.  You are as likely to listen to your mother as you are to stay up all night trying to learn Vietnamese. Not. Gonna.  Happen.  So,  I think everyone needs someone else unrelated to same the same exact thing to them,  in a more blunt fashion.  I am just the person for that job.

1. Don't Drive Like an Asshole.  Seriously,  Keesha does not need to be at max volume and you don't need to be driving and "texting with your bitches".  Watch the road.
2. Use protection.  STD's and Babies last a lifetime.  That's just self explanatory.
3. Try your damndest to not get pregnant  before you can support a child.  I mean,  YOUR DAMNDEST.  
4. It's okay if he doesn't love you.  Someone else will.
5. This too shall pass.
6. Be motivated.  There is nothing more annoying to hard working, motivated women then women who are lazy.
7. Get a job.  Any job.  Just earn a living.
8. May God give you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change,  the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
9. Be happy with what you have.  So, your car is a 1996 Saturn or a 1990 Chevy Lumina (been there, done that) at least you have a hoopdy.  COULD. BE. WORSE.
10.  Talk like you have some sense.  No seriously, not for "sears".
11. Have fun.  Party.
12. If you do happen to drink,  take two Tylenol before sleep.  It will save your ass the next day.
13. With that, don't get drunk on work nights.
14. Take advice from people who have "been there, done that".  They already have the upper hand.
15. "Shorts and Uggs".  No.  Just stop it.  That fashion statement does not make sense.
16. "Shorts and Uggs" needs two numbers.  Your hot, but your also cold?  We don't get it.
17. Live with a purpose.  Do something, anything.  But make your life worth living.
18. Be adventurous.  Just go out and do something unexpected.  You will have stories to tell later.
19. Don't tell your mom everything.  Believe me, she does not need to know some things.
20.  Don't judge a book by it's cover.  The most unexpected people also have a story to tell.
21. Eat food.  Skinny and deprived of nutrients went out in the 80's.
22. Learn something weird and share it with people.  Like,  that the character Jay Gatsby is based off of the life of Al Capone. 
23. You don't always get what you want, but you always get what you need.
24. Be interesting.  Potted fern plants should be boring, not people.
25. Never depend on anyone else for your own happiness.  People do not think of others happiness as frequently as they think of their own.
26. Pay your bills on time.  Bill collectors are a pain in the ass to deal with.
27. No one is going to buy the cow if your giving the milk away for free.
28. Never change for a man. 
29. Again, this too shall pass.
30. Men do not do or say things with the intention of pissing you off.  No hidden conspiracy theory.  They just say and do things, because they do.
31. At a certain age, switch over to higher quality liquor.  Any jug of vodka that costs $3.99 is going to cause you some real issues the next day.
32. Be respectful of police.  They aren't out to get you.  They are out to keep you safe. Remember that.
33. TAKE NAPS.  Past 25 naps are few and far between.  Take advantage while you still have the time.
34. Take suggestions from others.  This can be anything from movies,  shows, etc.
35. Camp out on the couch and watch more than one season of a show.  
36. Learn how to cook.  Something, anything.  It ain't hard.  Follow my recipes.
37.  Pajamas are for sleep.  They are not for grocery stores, Wawa, CVS, etc.  FOR SLEEP ONLY.
38. Volunteer.  
39. Take every person's advice with a grain of salt.  Your going to do what you want anyway.
40. You cannot base your life off of others expectations of you.  Regret is a hard thing to deal with at 99.
41. Be a better listener than a talker.  
42. People do not want your honest opinion of them.  They may say they do, but they will be mad when you give it.
43. Somethings are better left unsaid.
44. Be present physically and mentally in every single moment.  They only happen once.
45. Have a plan and adjust accordingly.  You cannot predict every single outcome.
46. Have an outlet---something crafy, some sport, some exercise program,  yada yada.
47. When the workday is done, it's done.  Don't take how you feel at work home with you.
48. Tomorrow is a new day.  
49. You will make at least one mistake everyday, learn from it.  
50. Listen to children.  They are meant to be seen and heard.  This goes back to the toy phone--if a child hands you one, pretend to answer it.
51. Be kind to strangers.  Not so kind that you end up in a trunk in another state.  Kind enough to let the world know your not self centered.
52. Your mom is going to say "One day you'll thank me".   She's probably right. Just go with it.
53. Some things are better left unsaid.
54. No question is stupid if you really don't know the answer (I onetime thought a ham was an animal--like a ham walking around with little ham legs).
55. Learn how to love unconditionally and accept unconditional love.
56. Do things without the expectation of something in return.
57. Be a good listener.  So, turn down Keesha or Nicky Minaj when someone else is speaking.
58. Put your phone down and enjoy life.  Otherwise, future generations are going to just evolve into mammals with only opposable thumbs so they can text.
59. Duck faces are only for drinking, not for real life.   
60. Be nice to animals.  They are defenseless. 
61. Laugh as much as you can.  A life lived without laughter is not a life worth living.
62. Try your hardest to not drunk dial or text.  No one wants to wake up in the morning with 55 texts they cannot understand.
63. Do not let yesterday ruin today.  
64. Don't let peoples ideas of who you should love, define who you actually fall in love with.
65. Love who you want, it's your life.
66. Don't discuss politics or religion over dinner, drinks, or with people who are drunk.  That is like sparking World War 3.
67. Hating someone and expecting them to care is like hammering toothpicks under your nails and expecting someone else to feel the pain.
68. Not everyone deserves the title of "friend".
69. You will have a couple really close friends for life--cherish them.  A couple good friends is worth more than a 100 shitty ones.
70. If your life revolves around seeking revenge on someone who has hurt you,  you might as well dig two graves.
71. When someone says "I'll pray for you" in a malicious way, just smile. 
72. Let it go.
73.  Other people's life styles are none of your business.  We all live in glass houses, don't throw stones.
74. Gay people have the right to marry just as much as you have the right to breathe.
75. Mark Wahlberg is god.  Don't you ever try to argue that.
76. Beer on tap is always cheaper then bottled beer.
77. Losing a pet is just as bad as losing a person.  It will hurt like holy hell, but,  like all things--this too shall pass.
78. Your mother is right.  Usually.  If not, don't argue--she'll always win.
79. Go places, but remember where you came from,  Home is truly where the heart is.
80. The heart is one of those amazing human body parts that can still function broken.  A broken heart is not the end.
81. In the end, the people who matter will be by your side if all should come crashing down.

Sausage and Peppers Italiano

I went on a red sauce tangent just recently. Ciopino,  Sausage and Peppers,  Sauce, etc.  It was nuts.  I just couldn't stop myself.   I went HAM.  Or as I say to my students "What the ham samwich".  They get a laugh out of that one.  As well was "cheeseandrice", "oh soup", "oh suga!"  I say weird things to my students.  One time I said to my student (I was asking if she understood) "Ya dig?"  and she said "Sometimes at the beach with my mom."  Valid response,  I'll take it.  I digress...


Well my temporary insanity for red sauce based foods has passed.  So,  I'd like to share this recipe.  It's clean, paleo, yada yada.  Your not sacrificing taste on this one.    You could eat it on a roll with some melted cheese if you want, but I liked it without all that.  With that being said,  I'm not judging you if you do eat it on a roll with cheese.  I live for rolls.  Seeded ones specifically.    I limit them however, otherwise I'd eat a samwich 3 times a day everyday.  If loving rolls is wrong,  I ain't right.

Sausage and Peppers Italiano

Prep: 20 minutes

Cook Time: 1 hour

Serves: 4

Ingredients:
1 pound (about 6 links) Sweet Sausage/Hot Spicy Sausage mix  (I buy the brand that has 3 of each in it)
1 red pepper, cut into strips
1 green pepper, cut into strips
1 yellow pepper, cut into strips
1 pound of sliced and cleaned white mushrooms
1 medium white onion, diced
3-4 cloves of garlic, diced
1 20 or more ounce can of diced tomatoes, with juice
1 tsp or more of red pepper flakes
1 tbsp of Oregano
1 tbsp of Fresh Parsley (can used dried but I think fresh ingredients have better taste), and more for garnish
Salt and Pepper, to taste
Grated Romano Cheese for Garnish


Directions:
1.  Preheat a pan with 1 tsp of oil over medium high heat.
2. While the pan is preheating cut sausage into 1-2 inch slices.
3. Sautee 5-7 minutes until the outside is crispy brown.

4. Remove from pan, set aside.
5.  In the same pan add your peppers and onions,  allowing to sear in the fat from the sausage for about 7-9 minutes--until slightly browned.
6.  Add mushrooms to the same pan and do the same--allowing them to slightly brown. 
7. After all vegetables are browned add all seasonings, and season lightly with salt and pepper.

8.  Add garlic, allowing to cook briefly with vegetables for 1-2 minutes.
9.  Pour in entire can of diced tomatoes with juice.  Add back in the sausage and stir.
10.  Cover with lid and reduce the heat to low.  Cook on low for about 45 minutes to 1 hour, or until the sausage is no longer pink aside.
11.  Serve, garnishing with cheese and parsley. 

Ciopinno

If you love seafood, you are in for a treat.  Ciopinno is a classic fish stew that is made through every nationality.  This happens to be my favorite kind!  My sister made it for me once a couple years back and I have been obsessed ever since.  While the ingredients can be expensive,  it is worth the money.  You really cant beat the smell of tomatoes, garlic, and fresh seafood.  It's a rather quick meal too,  but your company would think it took your hours.    It would be wonderful served with a toasted hearty bread rubbed with garlic and better.  Or a crusty loaf for dipping.

This is very healthy (clean eating, Paleo) and fresh, so there is no guilt here!  Indulge!

Ciopinno

Prep: 10 minutes

Cook Time: Roughly 50 minutes

Serves: 4 large portions

Ingredients:

1 white onion, diced

1 stalk celery, diced

1 large shallot, diced

2 cloves of garlic, diced

1 tbsp butter

1 tbsp oil

1 tsp red pepper flakes, or more to taste

1 tsp parsley, and more for garnishing

1 tsp oregano 

Salt and pepper to taste

2 cups beef broth or stock (homemade preferably)

1 can diced tomatoes, with juice

1 cup clam juice

1 cup diced roasted red peppers (from a jar soaked in water is fine)

1 pound fresh halibut or cod (has to be a thick white fish), cut into thick chunks

1 pound shrimp, cleaned, tails removed, and divined

1 pound sea scallops (not bay scallops, they shrink way too small for this hearty dish)

1 pound fresh mussels, cleaned and scrubbed--shells left on for presentation

Already you are thinking this has a lot of ingredients.  Most of it you should have in your house,  your big purchases should only really be the seafood which will run you about $20.  Purchase it when it is on sale (white fish goes on sale about every two weeks), and frozen mussels are pretty cheap.

Directions: 

1.  Heat olive oil and butter in a deep pan over medium high heat until melted.

2.  Add your diced onion and celery--allow to cook for about 10 minutes until brown.

3. Add your diced shallots, garlic, and diced peppers, stirring frequently until soft--about 5 minutes.

4. Once browned and soft add in diced tomatoes with their juice and beef broth.
5.  Season with salt, pepper, oregano, and parsley.  
6. Reduce heat to simmer with a partially closed lid and allow to cook for approximately 45 minutes. Sitr frequently.

7. Stir in 1 cup of clam juice and allow to cook for 5 more minutes.

8.  Once reduced add your scallops and white fish, cover partially and cook for 5 minutes.

9. After 5 minutes stir in (lightly, don't break up the fish) your shrimp and cleaned mussels and cook for about 5 minutes.

10.  When the mussels open up it's done.  Any mussel that did not open on it's own throw away--IT'S BAD!  You should at least have one or two of these.

 Serve with shells for presentation.  Garnish with cheese and more parsley.