Monday, March 24, 2014

81 Things Girls Need to Hear from Someone Other than their Mother's

          In thinking,  my mom told me a lot of stuff.  Like,  a lot.  I learned most of what I know today from DD.  Big shout to DD,  you are an amazing mother.  However,  you know when your young,  you don't listen.  Period.  There is no exception to that.  You are as likely to listen to your mother as you are to stay up all night trying to learn Vietnamese. Not. Gonna.  Happen.  So,  I think everyone needs someone else unrelated to same the same exact thing to them,  in a more blunt fashion.  I am just the person for that job.

  1. Don't Drive Like an Asshole.  Seriously,  Keesha does not need to be at max volume and you don't need to be driving and "texting with your bitches".  Watch the road.
  2. Use protection.  STD's and Babies last a lifetime.  That's just self explanatory.
  3. Try your damndest to not get pregnant  before you can support a child.  I mean,  YOUR DAMNDEST.  
  4. It's okay if he doesn't love you.  Someone else will.
  5. This too shall pass.
  6. Be motivated.  There is nothing more annoying to hard working, motivated women then women who are lazy.
  7. Get a job.  Any job.  Just earn a living.
  8. May God give you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change,  the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
  9. Be happy with what you have.  So, your car is a 1996 Saturn or a 1990 Chevy Lumina (been there, done that) at least you have a hoopdy.  COULD. BE. WORSE.
  10.  Talk like you have some sense.  No seriously, not for "sears".
  11. Have fun.  Party.
  12. If you do happen to drink,  take two Tylenol before sleep.  It will save your ass the next day.
  13. With that, don't get drunk on work nights.
  14. Take advice from people who have "been there, done that".  They already have the upper hand.
  15. "Shorts and Uggs".  No.  Just stop it.  That fashion statement does not make sense.
  16. "Shorts and Uggs" needs two numbers.  Your hot, but your also cold?  We don't get it.
  17. Live with a purpose.  Do something, anything.  But make your life worth living.
  18. Be adventurous.  Just go out and do something unexpected.  You will have stories to tell later.
  19. Don't tell your mom everything.  Believe me, she does not need to know some things.
  20.  Don't judge a book by it's cover.  The most unexpected people also have a story to tell.
  21. Eat food.  Skinny and deprived of nutrients went out in the 80's.
  22. Learn something weird and share it with people.  Like,  that the character Jay Gatsby is based off of the life of Al Capone. 
  23. You don't always get what you want, but you always get what you need.
  24. Be interesting.  Potted fern plants should be boring, not people.
  25. Never depend on anyone else for your own happiness.  People do not think of others happiness as frequently as they think of their own.
  26. Pay your bills on time.  Bill collectors are a pain in the ass to deal with.
  27. No one is going to buy the cow if your giving the milk away for free.
  28. Never change for a man. 
  29. Again, this too shall pass.
  30. Men do not do or say things with the intention of pissing you off.  No hidden conspiracy theory.  They just say and do things, because they do.
  31. At a certain age, switch over to higher quality liquor.  Any jug of vodka that costs $3.99 is going to cause you some real issues the next day.
  32. Be respectful of police.  They aren't out to get you.  They are out to keep you safe. Remember that.
  33. TAKE NAPS.  Past 25 naps are few and far between.  Take advantage while you still have the time.
  34. Take suggestions from others.  This can be anything from movies,  shows, etc.
  35. Camp out on the couch and watch more than one season of a show.  
  36. Learn how to cook.  Something, anything.  It ain't hard.  Follow my recipes.
  37.  Pajamas are for sleep.  They are not for grocery stores, Wawa, CVS, etc.  FOR SLEEP ONLY.
  38. Volunteer.  
  39. Take every person's advice with a grain of salt.  Your going to do what you want anyway.
  40. You cannot base your life off of others expectations of you.  Regret is a hard thing to deal with at 99.
  41. Be a better listener than a talker.  
  42. People do not want your honest opinion of them.  They may say they do, but they will be mad when you give it.
  43. Somethings are better left unsaid.
  44. Be present physically and mentally in every single moment.  They only happen once.
  45. Have a plan and adjust accordingly.  You cannot predict every single outcome.
  46. Have an outlet---something crafy, some sport, some exercise program,  yada yada.
  47. When the workday is done, it's done.  Don't take how you feel at work home with you.
  48. Tomorrow is a new day.  
  49. You will make at least one mistake everyday, learn from it.  
  50. Listen to children.  They are meant to be seen and heard.  This goes back to the toy phone--if a child hands you one, pretend to answer it.
  51. Be kind to strangers.  Not so kind that you end up in a trunk in another state.  Kind enough to let the world know your not self centered.
  52. Your mom is going to say "One day you'll thank me".   She's probably right. Just go with it.
  53. Some things are better left unsaid.
  54. No question is stupid if you really don't know the answer (I onetime thought a ham was an animal--like a ham walking around with little ham legs).
  55. Learn how to love unconditionally and accept unconditional love.
  56. Do things without the expectation of something in return.
  57. Be a good listener.  So, turn down Keesha or Nicky Minaj when someone else is speaking.
  58. Put your phone down and enjoy life.  Otherwise, future generations are going to just evolve into mammals with only opposable thumbs so they can text.
  59. Duck faces are only for drinking, not for real life.   
  60. Be nice to animals.  They are defenseless. 
  61. Laugh as much as you can.  A life lived without laughter is not a life worth living.
  62. Try your hardest to not drunk dial or text.  No one wants to wake up in the morning with 55 texts they cannot understand.
  63. Do not let yesterday ruin today.  
  64. Don't let peoples ideas of who you should love, define who you actually fall in love with.
  65. Love who you want, it's your life.
  66. Don't discuss politics or religion over dinner, drinks, or with people who are drunk.  That is like sparking World War 3.
  67. Hating someone and expecting them to care is like hammering toothpicks under your nails and expecting someone else to feel the pain.
  68. Not everyone deserves the title of "friend".
  69. You will have a couple really close friends for life--cherish them.  A couple good friends is worth more than a 100 shitty ones.
  70. If your life revolves around seeking revenge on someone who has hurt you,  you might as well dig two graves.
  71. When someone says "I'll pray for you" in a malicious way, just smile. 
  72. Let it go.
  73.  Other people's life styles are none of your business.  We all live in glass houses, don't throw stones.
  74. Gay people have the right to marry just as much as you have the right to breathe.
  75. Mark Wahlberg is god.  Don't you ever try to argue that.
  76. Beer on tap is always cheaper then bottled beer.
  77. Losing a pet is just as bad as losing a person.  It will hurt like holy hell, but,  like all things--this too shall pass.
  78. Your mother is right.  Usually.  If not, don't argue--she'll always win.
  79. Go places, but remember where you came from,  Home is truly where the heart is.
  80. The heart is one of those amazing human body parts that can still function broken.  A broken heart is not the end.
  81. In the end, the people who matter will be by your side if all should come crashing down.