Monday, September 16, 2013

Confessions of a Serial Dater

      Doesn't that almost sound like Serial Killer? It's not. I am not a killer. I am however, a Serial Dater. I said it. Lock me up and throw away the keys.  What do I mean by this? I date, a lot, and I never truly find what I am looking for.  In my dating history I've had some hilarious dates I thought I should share with you. Why now? Because I needed a good laugh at myself.  If you can't laugh at yourself, then you certainly shouldn't be laughing at others!


     I actually do not go on dates anymore to Riverwinds because I calculate I have to have been on at least 42 first dates there in the last 3 years.  The bartenders started to look at me suspiciously somewhere around date 32.  After I caught onto that, I refused to go on another first date there.  I don't need the staff there to judge me because I love their Dirty One Kettle One Martinis and won't give them up for nobody!

      I have been dating A LONG ASS TIME.  My first boyfriend was in Pr-Kindergarten.  He thought he was Tigger. He jumped on the playground a lot. He actually refused to walk I think.  He only jumped. I loved that little jumping fool. I think his name was Rashad, but I can't remember now.  We were the first interracial pre-k couple EVER. BAMMMMM TAKE THAT CONFORMITY. 

      My next recollection of a boyfriend was my fourth grade boyfriend.  He was the "new kid", so you can imagine he dated every girl that year.  He was my first date.  It was the best date I can remember yet.  My dad dropped me off--uncomfortable for both of us looking back now.  He dropped me off right to my date who was playing baseketball in his driveway.  We were so young, we really didn't know what was expected of two fourth graders hanging out?  We sat outside and he shoot hoops and I watched.  We talked about Mrs. Pindur and Recess type activities I'm sure.  BEST.DATE.EVER.  After that, things got much more complicated.

     My high school boyfriend was probably the most serious of all so far.  He would walk the dogs and I would meet him halfway then we would go hang at his house under the watchful eye of his dad--as it should be!  He paged me, and I paged him.  Yes friends, before the invention of cell phones.  We also had our best conversations, and most serious fights, via AOL Messangers We all hung out as a crew.  We hung out at this one kids house or in the woods.  Being rebels and bad asses.  Why didn't it work out? Because I am and have always been a reckless soul and free spirit.  He's married now, with a child--god bless his heart.  I'm happy for him--god knows I can't chase around no baby at the ripe age of almost 27.  We still don't talk if we see each other in person, which makes me giggle sometimes.  I still tell my friend Holly he was my first true love---at 16---hehe.

    My college boyfriend was 4 years of a relationship where in which I hated him and he most certainly hated me.  If we needed space from each other we wouldn't talk for 3 months. No, not 3 days--we'd disappear on each other for 3 months.  For Christmas one year I talked all about how I wanted Chocolate Ugg Boats.  You know what he got me? An oil burning lamp.  I was dumb founded. I don't live in the woods. I don't need an oil burning lamp. Also, I've never lit it because I fear I'll burn the house down. I still have it, I feel bad throwing it away.  Oh, and then for my birthday he got me a Belevedere Cheese Plate.  WHATTT? I broke it.  One time my sister got trapped in the car with us and all we did was fight and tell the other person they were an idiot.  Alas, being young and 21 I still cried when it was finally over. I repeatedly played John Mayer- Slow Dancing in a Burning Room until my roommates in our quasi Sorority House wanted to kill me.  I still laugh and smile a little when I hear that song and think of how silly I was.


Since then, it's been a torrent of different dates. Let's talk about some of these dates--I have thousands stored up but some are escaping me right now:

I almost jumped off of a subway platform
    First date, don't know each other from Adam, he tells me he can't drink too much . Why I asked as I was only planning to have two glasses of wine with dinner? He mentions it's because of the "meds"--anxiety, depression, etc.  He then continue to mention how he almost jumped off of a subway platform one time when it got so bad. CHECK PLEASE.  Yes, I paid for my own dinner--deleted his phone number and ran like someone lit a fire under my ass.

Ayi Papi
    I dated an Argentinian once.  He was super interesting to me--mostly because I couldn't understand half of what he was saying.  It was refreshing to not have to really reply because I really didn't know what he was saying.  He was adopted from Argentina at 14, so yes he spoke English.  But something about his English perplexed me. Then, he said he was thinking of going back  to his X and my response was "Awesome good luck!" in a genuine manner. That must of not sat well with him. Why wasn't I upset by this he must have been wondering? Well, then he went all Sybil on me.  Thank god he's calmed down and we no longer speak half Spanish Half English. I did however like when he said "How do you say...".  

Is my laugh too loud?
    I went on a date one time where not only did I have to pay for my own drinks, but the man had the loudest and most irritating laugh.  It was so loud it even caught the eye of other customers more than once.  When the bartender just dropped off the bill and did not question if in fact we were done I know he himself had had enough of this infuriatingly loud obnoxious laugh.  I then decided--No Elyse, you can not make it work with someone with that laugh. 

I work 85 hours a week, is that going to be a problem?
     My most recent dating experience was with a young handsome navy doctor.  We hit it off really well on our first date.  However, he said words with more than 4 syllables which perplexed me. I frequently found myself googling words under the table when he went to the bathroom.  He was really fun--and so different than me.  He collected 2 dollar bills and kept them in frames. If I ever saw them I'd bust the money out and spend them.  He said to me "Do you know how much these are worth?!?!"  My response was "Yeah, two dollars".  He was fun and refreshing, but he spent more time working then eating and sleeping combined.  It's a shame, he was pretty fun and could have taught me more 4 syllable words.


So why after all of the dates I have been on am I still single? I don't know, I guess I am just not willing to settle unless I feel it. Unless I truly feel "Yep, this guy is everything I need to wake up to for the rest of my life".  Maybe I felt that once, I don't know.  Is that corny? Maybe I am a dreamer, but for now I'll just continue being a reckless free spirit.


Oh also, I have been on other dates but I don't want to offend anyone.  :) All in good fun people!