Tuesday, November 26, 2013

11 Suggestions for Being "Less Single"

     11 Suggestions for Being "Less Single"


        This post is prompted by my grandma.  Yeah, good old Me-Mau.  So yesterday,  I go to see a house that my great aunt and uncle own. I thought it was a good idea to bring my Mom Mom.   So, while chatting about the house my great aunt asks "Are you seeing anyone?'  To which my Mom Mom makes her signature face (kinda like a frown but the face definitely says "yeah right) and a noise.   My Mom Mom looks over at my aunt and says "Yeah right, she's like Aunt Josephine.  90 and never been married." Ouch. Some Me-Mau's knit sweaters and bake cookies--mine kicks you while your down.   Possibly this was pay back for all the time I mocked and made fun of her.  Maybe you just don't understand our relationship.

         None the less, I got the "Oh poor girl face".   I've seen this face plenty of times.  It usually comes with a pat on the back and "you'll meet someone someday" or "You'll meet someone when you stop looking and least expect it".  Let's chat about that briefly.  If one more person tells me I'll meet someone when I stop looking I'm going to karate chop them in the throat.  No, I won't.  If I'm not looking, how will I see them?  Will they run up and tap me on the shoulder and say "HEY I'M SOMEONE!!!!!".

        So, for me, Christmas is the WORST time to be single.  All these happy couples posting pictures of the tree,  family photos, and kissing under the mistletoe.  Okay, they can get karate chopped too.   Christmas time is also the time when other people feel MOST SORRY FOR YOU.  You get an extra lot of "you'll meet someone soon" or whatever else pops into their skull.  I think if I was talking statistics this phrase is said 42% more during the month of December.  As if, when you are in fact single, your life has no purpose or Santa is going to skip your stocking because your single.   Sometimes I swear people are thinking "your single, but it's okay, I am sure your still a great person" or "I bet she is just really focused on her work".  Let's squash that right now, no I'm not and I am an AMAZING PERSON (I've heard).

         I love Christmas as much as Cindy Loo Who, so let's get that straight right off the bat.  I love everything about Christmas. Except, that I am perpetually single.   I have my reasons for that, I haven't made the best choices in men.  I'm guilty, I'm guilty.  Anyway,  I thought I would lighten the mood by listening the various things I've been told I could do to be "less single".

1.  Get a cat
    Why does everyone suggest cats to single people?  Is there a secret single people with cats meeting?  Does it make me more money to have a cat?  Or do men really like cats thus making me less likely to remain single when I get one?  I'm so confused.
     First off, I dislike cats.  They make no sense.  They are all pur pur pur then swatting you with those sharp talons. I don't need that in my life.   I have enough people I want to karate chop, I can't add cats to my list of karate chopping.  Those little cat faces, they make me sad inside. 
   Lastly, I've heard cats are like Doritos or Cheez-Itz--you can't have just one.  Do you know what I call the man who says he's only eaten one Dorito or Cheez-It?  A liar.
All of a sudden I have a 100 cats with 100 names I know by heart.  There would be Mitzy, Mr. Whiskers, Mr. Noodlebut, Mr. Stinkbut,  Miguel,  Jose, Ricardo,  Spanky, Love nugget, Muffin, Love nugget muffin, etc.  I'd end up knowing each one from the other plus their birth dates, eating schedule, likes and dislikes, etc.
2. Get a Hobby
        What makes people think I don't have any hobbies?  I am a crossfitter, that's a hobby. I am a blogger, that's a hobby.   My goal is to be like Ree Drummond, the Pioneer Woman. 
          She is actually famous because she was a blogger.   She looks rich on the show on the Food Network and her cowboy ranch husband is hot.  She got all of those things from her hobby of blogging. I envy her.    I actually am not jealous of the fact she lives 30 minutes away from a grocery store.  She has to plan an entire day for a trip to food shop.  I on the other hand need to plan a whole day for that as well, because I have to figure out what time I am going to put a bra on to go out of the house.

     What other hobbies could I possibly have?  Someone told me to take a knitting class once.  Do men knit--will I meet a man at said class?  I don't want a man who knitted his own sweater.  He probably has cats.    Let's revisit the fact that I don't like cats.
3. Become a Lesbian
        Let's get one thing straight--if men don't like me, I can assure you women don't either.   I can't be with someone like me--whiny, cranky, bitchy, always right---aka a woman.  This goes along with going to a knitting class, because the only people I would meet there would be women.
        Switching teams is a big commitment.  It's got to be lifelong and I have trouble making decisions on Tuesday which affect Thursday.  You can't join the other team then decide one day you want back in on our team.  No one would take you seriously.  For the rest of your life people would whisper about you and say "Isn't her husband handsome?  She used to be a lesbian you know."   Not, that there is ANYTHING wrong with that.  I am all for Prop 8.  I love gay people.   But I am a big believer in one team or the other, you can't have the best of both worlds. It ain't fair. Word.

4. Meet New People
       Do I look like the kind of person who avoids meeting people?  Let's get one thing straight--my personality draws people in.  I meet new people all of the time.  Just not the people I want to date. 
     My friend Kate has a boyfriend Matt.  She told me he loves my blog, and on Sunday (after a night out Saturday) he said he could listen to me talk all day.  BAM.  Look at that. People love me.  Mostly people who are not interested in me.  Double Whammy.
    So, I joined a crossfit gym.  I did not meet new people.  I started socializing with more coworkers.  I did not meet new people.  I run a toy drive which basically makes me Mother Theresa.  I did not meet new people.  So---am I missing something on this meeting new people thing?

5. Go New Places
     When someone told me this I thought fabulous idea, I'll go to different grocery stores. First, I tried to go to the Farmer's Market because I thought that made me look "environment and farmer friendly". I also thought I was bound to find an eco-friendly god fearing hard working man or a hipster also trying to look "environment and farmer friendly".    Do you know who I met there?  The 90 year old who checked me out named Marge. Sweet lady.
      So then I thought let me try Bottom Dollar Food.  Maybe I'll meet a man there who likes bringing his own shopping bags and knows how to live on a budget. Do you know who I met there? A gang of kids who wanted to take my cart back so they could have my quarter.  Really, genius on their part if you think about it. 

6. Be Less Busy
       Someone once told me if I cleared my schedule and was less busy I could spend more time with the people I wanted to date.  Yesterday, I was in my pajamas at 4:23 p.m.  I would have had them on at 4:20 if I didn't have to clean a spill in my lunchbox before changing.  Busy?  Pajamas on the couch by 4:23 pm?  Your argument is invalid. 

7. Change Your Look
       Are you saying if I was less ugly I wouldn't be single?  Lies. I'm pretty as shit.  

       When I get the time I like to try new looks and this is how I will look:
This is actually how I end up looking:


 7. Fix Your Resting Bitch Face

             For centuries my face has been just fine smooshed up in this scowl.  Like I said, people love my personality (re: Kate's boyfriend, Matt).  But, sometimes when at the bar or sitting alone I make a face which says "Don't come talk to me,  I bite".    I don't intend it to look that way.  It just does.  I have no control over it.  What should I do---smile at every single person like a whack job?  Just spin around in a circle smiling at everyone around me?  


That makes me think of the Joker from Batman--why so serious!?!?! People would think I was a legit psychopath.
 8. Go to Church
       I feel as though I should be responsible for what I ask wooden Jesus for.  I feel like the big J has a lot on his plate, and I highly doubt that me being single is something he wants to chat about.  World peace, genocide, starvation of children, Elyse being single.  One of these things is not like the other.
         Maybe this person meant to meet single guys.  Well, there are two types of men at church: 1. Pastors, priests, and deacons. 2. Married men with their wife and children.  I am not interested in either. Actually, make that three things there I am not interested in right now 1. Pastors, Priests, Deacons 2. Married Men 3. Children. 

9. Try Outdoorsie Stuff
           I have allergies.  They are seasonal but when you start throwing the words sun rise hike at me I have allergies in all seasons.

10. Dress Up More
            I dress up plenty.  I'm so fabulous it hurts.  I also have a code of ethics: Never wear my pajamas out in public.  Except for that one time at 8:00pm on a Friday night I went to CVS in my jammers because I wanted ice cream to watch with my movie. Yep, I'm single.      


11. Stop Going to the Bar
           I have very few joys in life, stop trying to take them away.